Motherhood changes you- special needs mom

Being a mom has changed me in so many ways, so many wonderful awesome ways, the amount of joy and understanding my children have brought into my life is just beyond me and I can never thank the universe enough for allowing me the privilege of being their mom.

Being a special needs mom specifically has also changed me, in ways I have only come to see of late, probably because they have become more noticeable to me especially over the past two years when Loghan was reassessed the boys changed schools and I began to understand them better as a whole having met certain friends and people who showed me what to look for and how to better understand the quirks and needs that come with a special needs child.

A long extended version of a day in my household... yes its long

Every morning my alarm sounds at the sparrows fart time of 5:30am, every morning I switch it of whilst allowing myself 15 minutes of absolute silence… well somewhat if you don’t count the snoring coming from all 3 rooms, I think about the day ahead and maybe contemplate supper that evening but when 5:45 hits I’m up.

I wander through to Gabriel’s room, I call out to him several times, I pull the blankets off him he moans and grabs them back, I pull them off again, I tickle him I call him again and eventually once I threaten the possibility of no breakfast or pre-school playtime he will slowly sit up yawn stretch and moan then grab his clothes ever so not impressed and start to get ready.

Yesterday a new addition to our blended family came into the world and the boys gained a beautiful baby brother.

This moment was one of great joy for mom and dad and of course my 2 oldest monkeys and it was one I have been avoiding in thought for the better part of the last month.

Why you may ask… because I’m scared, my boys are my life and I truly believe that their brother is a blessing however he is the first biological child for their step mum and I will be honest and say that as much as I adore children and babies the way I feel about my own children is just different the love for them and the patience and understanding I have with them is far above what I have for other peoples kids and that is why I am scared… well shitless.

I’m scared that my kids will not get the same attention they did or the same love that they did from their step mom, that they will get pushed aside or that patience will run thin, I’m scared for how they would feel emotionally and what kind of impact it will have on them….

Is this normal am I being stupid are these feelings uncalled for…

Expanding your family when people feel the need to judge

We seem to live in a world where people think they have the right to judge your financial situation when it comes to your children, when you are struggling they look at your kids and think or may even comment on your choice of having kids when you did not have the financial means or look at a pregnant woman and remark on the amount of kids they have vs their affordability and the way they live.

Jesse was planned we wanted another baby however we were planning on waiting a bit longer so his appearance although happily invited was not expected at that time.

procedure and dissapointment

So I promised an update and here it is...

Yesterday my ex, My monkey eldest and I all jumped into the car and off we went to the Red Cross Children's Psychiatric Center, we left over 2 hours later and I have to say feeling rather despondent and a bit frustrated.

When we were phoned for the appointment I thought we would be seeing a doctor strait away but unfortunately that is not how the procedure goes and we first had to see the counselor and relay all of our information and why we were there to her, I have a lever arch file full that covers all of Loghan's appointments and steps we have taken since he was first diagnosed in 2011 so you can only imagine, to top it off the lady we saw did not seem to have very much patience for children especially ones that do not sit still etc... seriously; she also seemed to be very judgemental over the current decisions we have made with regards to splitting the boys up in order to give Gabriel more of the attention he needs so he doesn't end up getting to a point where Loghan is, so far this has affected Gabriel's behavior and personality for the better he is doing so much better at school and after care, it is not a decision that was made lightly or without thought and just because Loghan then says he misses his brother does not mean we made the wrong decision, case in point when they are together on the weekends, Loghan goes strait back to hurting and fighting constantly with Gabriel demanding every minute of our time and not allowing Gabriel even a minute of attention....

Our decision was made based on the need for all of the boys to get the attention and love the need and deserve it may not be a permanent decision and they are still together on the weekends but it was done based on what we were advised and felt as parents, teachers family etc.

I cannot begin to explain how mentally and physically exhausting having a child with special needs is, I am not complaining I would not change it for the world but when you have two and the one demands constant attention while the other has a personality whereby they feel like they are intruding by asking for attention it can be incredibly difficult and we needed to make decisions based on what was best for both of them, Gabriel may not ask for the attention conventionally but he had taken to baby like behavior and tantrum throwing, he was starting to get into a lot of trouble especially at aftercare, since we have split them during the week, the tantrums have all but abated and he no longer acts like a baby at all to gain attention so whilst I understand and know Loghan misses his brother in his own way we as parents needed to do this, it hurt and it was not something we wanted to do but in the end it really has helped.

Anyway back to the appointment, 2 hours later the lady decided we had been there long enough and advised I would need to return to give her all Loghan's medical history and then Loghan would need to return a while later to be interviewed and only then does she get together with the doctors and they make a decision from there as to what treatment he will need...

I understand it is government and our only option but it was a bit disappointing, the more time goes on without help the more chance there is of something else happening and it is incredibly nerve wrecking for us as a family, Loghan does not seem to understand the impact or what his actions have caused as much as we explain it to him, he blocks his ears and does not want to hear or talk bout anything, which is typical child behavior and when a child feels guilty or doesn't want to hear what you have to say... you get the picture.

I'm trying to be positive, personally I am not sleeping very well, my appetite has gone out the window, I know I need to see someone at the moment it's just not possible financially so I am going to be looking into a herbal medication to see if that may help, it's a long journey made even longer when you start to question your decision and choices over the years whether you should have done this or seen this doctor or that but the truth is we have seen the best doctors in the field and this is our last option, I do trust that in the end we will egt the help that we need I have been told red cross has some of the best doctors for children in the country so we just have to keep positive and keep pushing forward until we get the help we need.

School starts next week and Loghan gets a new teacher as his has relocated to the UK we were advised of this at the beginning of the school year, it is a shame because his teacher was just amazing and he loved her so much but we have been assured the new teacher is very much like her so Im sure it will be ok.

Hubby is back and we are finally settling back into routine at home, I cannot explain how great it is to have him home.

Jesse is just Jesse lol, he has recovered from chicken pox but has been left with quite a number of marks which we are hoping will fade with the help of tissue oil but otherwise he was very happy to have his daddy home again.

That's it for update on my front, I hope everyone has a wonderful cozy winterlike Wednesday =)

Middle Child Syndrome… it’s a real thing

When I fell pregnant with Jesse, we were over the moon with joy, I did wonder how it would affect my 2 older monkeys especially since Jesse was also to be a boy, I had wondered about middle child syndrome beforehand but in all honestly I did not feel it would be a big deal, Gabriel was always given a lot of love and attention in both households, even when his brother required much attention due to his disorders and school antics we still took the time to give him extra love and cuddles. 

Writing this 2 years later I can tell you that middle child syndrome is indeed a thing and it is something I feel every parent should be aware of should you go the way of having a third child.

Would I have gone for a 4^th knowing this would happen… I don’t think so but I would have liked to have read up more about the issues people and their middle children have experienced in order to have made a more informed decision, and I think as all 3 of mine are boys it has only accentuated Gabriel’s place as a middle child in our family.

Basically Gabriel has become the king of tantrum throwing and life is not fair saying, he is dramatic at the best of times will often storm off or at times will mimic baby like behavior in order to draw more attention his way, we have tried to make him understand that the kind of behavior drawn from this behavior is negative but unfortunately there seems to be no reasoning with him at the best of times.

Socially he is very easy going and makes friends very easily however I can understand that with all that has happened with Loghan and him needing much extra attention at times and with Jesse being the baby it must be really tough for him and because I was from a family of 2 kids a pigeon pair, as was my hubby and my ex is one of 4, his wife 1 of 2, honestly I think my ex probably has the best understand as he has 2 brothers as well but to be honest I think we are all a bit lost at times with this monkey of ours.

He is a dreamer, he does live in his own world for much of the time and is quite happy to play on his own which makes it easy to leave him to do it and focus on Loghan for instance who cannot do a thing on his own at all.

We have all tried to incorporate more one on one time with him, but I can honestly say that in our family this is a very real thing, I would love to hear whether anyone else has experienced the same thing in their family or whether this has influenced wanting a 3^rd or more children in your family?

My ex will be bringing home another baby brother come June and it does worry me that this may cause Gabriel to go even further with his antics, for now we can only try our best to incorporate him into decisions and activities as best we can, I do try and take them out individually as much as I can to get some one on one time with them but it’s tough I’m not going to lie, as a mum it does make me feel a little sad and does often make me question whether we should have had another or if there is anything we are doing or shouldn’t be doing in order to ensure he has all the love and attention he needs, all we can do is try our best and make sure we tell him as often as possible how loved and just what an amazing child he is and how much he means to our entire family!

To that new mom on Fb who thinks woman are martyrs of Motherhood....

There has been a post doing the rounds on facebook I am sure pretty much everyone has seen it.

It was posted by a first time mom, basically explaining that her child is 2 weeks old and she is a magical unicorn in a sea of lazy moms who cannot keep their house clean or attend to all their kids whilst still keeping up appearances.

The post made me want to roll on the floor laughing and yet at the same time I felt such pity for this woman, because after 3 kids honey I can tell you what awaits around the corner for you when your child actually starts requiring more attention, when they start moving or even more so when you add another sibling to the mix is well… you will find out soon I’m sure.

I have always seen myself as pretty kept together, I create home cooked meals, I navigate housecleaning, raising my 3 kids in all their madness as well as raising my husband sometimes lol, I attend school functions and meetings, the list goes on and on and you know what it is hard at times it is stinking hard, there are days where I feel like super mom and there are days where I feel like the crappiest mom in the world, if there is one thing I have learnt it is that you grow into and with motherhood it isn’t something that comes magically and instinctively in most cases no matter how much or badly you wanted it.

Its ok to want to run away sometimes, its ok to spend a day in pj’s and its ok to leave the housework alone to actually be present with your children, its ok to want to drink a glass if not a bottle of wine,  it’s OK!!!!!

It doesn’t make you a bad mom, and appearances are so deceiving some of the most seemingly disorganised and laid back moms I know are AMAZING spectacular moms who give their kids their all and more, at the same time I have met moms who seem all put together but who are nervous balls of stress and resentment on the other side of a smiling façade.

To that new mom, you think you know everything and that’s fine it’s all a part of your learning process, enjoy your clean home and the home cooked meals, enjoy your time with a baby that mainly sleeps and doesn’t move, ignore the moms who have needy babies with colic, the moms who get no sleep, the moms who don’t have partners to help, the moms with more than one child, the moms who suffer from PND, the moms who struggle to breastfeed… the moms who are as you put it martyrs for motherhood…. You will learn, you will see, you will understand and when you do you will find that those moms those lazy horrible women who cannot take care of their families or home are the ones who catch you when you fall from your pedestal.

Jesse's birth Story

This evening I have decided to share Jesse's birth story.  I will share Gabriel and Loghan's stories as well but at a later stage, this is going to be a long one so either make yourself a cuppa or settle in for the long haul =)

So here we go...

The favorite child

Growing up I would always state that my brother was my parent’s favorite, my parents were less strict with him and he was afforded in my opinion many things that I wasn’t…

Now that I am as a parent, personally I do not think it possible to have a favorite rather I would say that there are certain aspects of my children’s personalities that I favor.

My weekend in Pictures

I have been a bit blue over the last week, I can always feel when I start to slip and I hate it so much, I think anyone who suffers with depression can tell you its a constant struggle and you can have everything and be as happy as pie but it just happens, slowly those feelings creep up and become stronger... anything can trigger it this time it has been a combination of the anniversary of my grandmothers passing as well as I have been suffering with severe jaw pain and migraines and then financially things have been incredibly strained so this weekend I took the time to just spend time with those who I love the most; my family.

It was a calm weekend, we went to the beach on Saturday, but for the most part we just spent time together at home in the garden and playing games or watching movies... I cannot explain how much better I feel, so I decided to share a few of these moments, the moments that have made me smile and bring me so much joy.

I am 1 in 4- International Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Day

Miscarriage, still birth and infant loss... these are words that create nightmares in the minds of any mom or parent and whilst this subject is still one that most would rather push aside it is something that up to 25 percent of woman will experience at least once in their lifetime..

I am mom to 3 beautiful angels on this earth but I am also mom to five who left this world before I had the chance to hold them or share them with the world, it is also something that up until recently I have not been very forthcoming about or willing to share, albeit to a select few.

My Weekend in Pictures

Good evening everyone from a cold and wet Cape Town.

We have a very sick monkey at home right now so its been a tough 2 days but the past weekend was really lovely so I decided to share a few pictures....apologies I am no photographer.

First off I woke up on Saturday to find out our Stickee collection had taken over the bathroom,,

Breaking things off with my scale

So I know a lot of people will look at this title with some confusion yes I am comparing a human relationship to that which one shares with an everyday weight scale, it may seem stupid or ridiculous but give me a moment to explain and you will see why they are so similar.

A relationship can do many things, it can make your day or break it, it can build you up or bring you down, it can be an obsession or a casual thing…. See where I am going with this.

The same can be said for a scale, one simple number on that piece of metal or plastic can make or break your day, it can make you feel top of the world beaming with self-confidence or it demoralize you and stamp your confidence into the ground, it can also be something you step on once in a blue moon or every now and then or it can become a dangerous obsession…..

Loghan's pizza making party

So Loghan's birthday has come and gone and his party was a great success albeit a small party this year due to finances it was really great.

We celebrated with a morning trip to the toy store, then a trip to the movies, we saw minions (my first movie in two years) and then we met up with family and friends at the new pizza place in Parklands called Enchanted.

It's family run and still new and getting off the ground but we all really had a great time, the employees were so friendly and the food and over all vibe were great. They even have Banting options!

The kids got to make their own pizzas from scratch and really had a ball, I highly recommend Enchanted for birthdays or even general visits it really was worth every penny and the owners are very acoomodating and helpful when it comes to party decor and arrangements, we will definitely be going there again in the future!

Birthday Boy

Baby Chef in training

So Proud!

To end off I would like to show you the amazing cake that Bianca from B's Tasty Table made for us, it was literally to the t of what I told her I wanted and tasted DEVINE!!!

Captain America!!!

These had smarties that spilled out the centre!!!

Like I said DEVINE and she is so affordable, drop her some love on her page because she definitely deserves it!!!!

Happy Wednesday everyone...

This morning we had a real movie moment (think home alone 2 with the airport shuttle)…

Usually my phone alarm will wake us up in the morning, if not Jesse’s OCD internal clock has him waking us up on time if not just before anyway but last night I forgot my phone downstairs and asked my hubby to bring it up with him when he came to bed but he forgot it when he went to shower…. Sigh

So this morning my hubby gets out of bed which is not usual for him ( I usually have to nag him out of bed even though he is the one who will be late not me) he walks out the room and comes back in my cell phone in hand, I am still all blurry eyed at this stage and in a blasé way ask him what time it is, he mumbles something along the lines of 10 to seven… we pause…. We take in that bit of information… and then a moment later chaos… shit we are going to be late and it’s a mad scramble… keep in mind that the boys shuttle arrives by 5 to 7… eish right….

So we run into the boys room, boys are confused and unhappy trying to dress them and get downstairs… what about breakfast… are the bags ready….but mommy this and that….don’t forget the boys meds…. Sigh

In the end we managed to not only get them out the door completely dressed and ready but managed to get them to grab a yogi sip (not an ideal breakfast but a fast one) and their meds before the shuttle arrived….

After they were off on the shuttle (I had to see them off in my glorious pink gown and striped red and black stockings), it was a mad dash inside to get dressed ourselves, get Jess ready and get out the door.

We walked out the door at 7:20…. And that ladies and gentleman is the start to my Wednesday …. 

Happy hump day everyone