March Favourites

I don’t have many favorites this month, it’s just been a really awful month but here are a few things that I did manage to enjoy this month

Body and Make up

Oh so Heavenly Range

I have had many products from this range over the years but this past month I decided to purchase one of their roll on deodorants as well as a few different bars of their soap, the boys got to pick their own, Loghan chose a sparkly blue bar that smells really fresh and wonderful and Gabriel quite surprisingly chose a Shea and almond butter bar very plain and truth be told I am not a fan of the smell but he was over the moon so there you go and finally I chose a berry scented bar which reminds me so much of the reindeer rock soap that LUSH brings out over xmas time so I was pleased as punch as well, the deodorant I chose has quite a flowery smell but it works really well and then finally we picked up their hand soap refill which is real value for your money and the options all smell amazing, I also love that it’s not drying.

This range is cruelty free which is another reason why I go back to it every time and is available in clicks stores nationwide at an affordable price which of course is a plus for all.

Movies and Series

Deadpool

Do yourself a favor if you haven’t seen this yet make a point to watch it, my hubby put it on the night after he came back from the UK and I cannot tell you when last I laughed from the start to the finish of a film, its was hilarious!

I even told hubby if the comics have the same humor I will read them, it was that good.

Not for kiddies of course as it contains, sex, bawdy humor and of course violence but a great movie to watch in adult company =)

Foodstuffs

Terry’s Orange Sensations

My hubby brought these back for me from the UK, I have always loved Terry’s dark orange, he couldn’t find it so he got me this mixed assortment, the dark orange still reigns supreme but I cannot explain the quality difference when it comes to the chocolate it’s just amazing and if I could share it with every single person I know I would because it is just that good, I believe they may stock it at the UK emporium in Cape Town but I am not sure if you ever see them give it a try completely worth it and just the right amount in every serving to leave you a very happy momma!

Thats all for this month sorry it's a bit short but I'm a mom on a budget and cannot always splurge to try something new, I am also a creature of habit and do tend to keep with what works if I can help it.

when being called mom became real

I was discussing this with a new mom a little while ago, that moment when identifying oneself as a mum becomes real.

I always wanted to be a mom from my early childhood on wards I couldn't wait to be a mom to hold my baby and glance at them with loving eyes, my dreams came true the day I bought Loghan into the world however I will admit that for so long it seemed so unreal and that saying the words I am a mom just I don't know it felt strange and far away, yes I was a mom, yes I loved and adored my child with every fiber of my being but there were many times when I looked my child and thought, wow like seriously I am a mom, I am responsible for the tiny person, we created this perfect being and I am a mom not just in name but identity as well.

I think for me it came when my kids called me mommy for the first time when they reached out for me or looked for me when I knew that they knew who I was and that I was the one the were looking for and they knew it... seems strange doesn't it.  I mean up until that moment I didn't love them any less I didn't do any less but it was like at that moment my brain went ping in conjunction with my heart and I was like yes I am your mom.

There are still many days when I look at my children and think WOW, how did I help create three such beautiful amazing beings, how can my heart love so much, how could you feel so much and yet still feel more. There are still days when it feels like I am living a dream.

When did it become real for you when you did have that aha moment of mommy hood did it come immediately is it still to come, I would love to hear other opinions and stories.

Oxford Street Mini LUSH Haul

My Hubby just got back from a 2 week stay in Uxbridge England for work and whilst he was there he did just about the most romantic thing ever (well to me anyway) and went out of his way and traveled to the LUSH Oxford street store to get me a few things, I didn’t ask for anything in fact I discouraged him from getting anything as I felt that it was too expensive but he insisted as he was allocated spending funds and surprised me with 3 wonderful products that I’m just gushing over.

Lord of Misrule Shower Cream

This is not the first time I have had this one, I received a bottle in my xmas gift box and I have to be honest at first the consistency of the product irritated me as it is very watery you tend to lose some of the product as you lather and use it… however Lord of Misrule is my absolute favorite LUSH scent ever and as I used the product I have learnt to use it in small amount as not to waste or lose any of the product, the scent is just amazing and lingers on your skin so wonderfully so I was just absolutely delighted that he got this one for me.

Yuzu and Cocoa Bubbleroon.

Yuzu and Cocoa is my second favorite LUSH scent and recently the redesigned their bubbleroons, they used to be orange in colour and less macaroon shaped, but the smell was absolutely divine and smelt of cocoa butter and orange two of my favorite combos, upon smelling the new design it does smell a bit different not as chocolate like as the previous one but I still love it and the new design is bigger and will go further, the cream/bath melt in the middle is also much bigger so I cannot wait to use it.

Sacred Lotus Bath Bomb

Last but not least hubby asked for a LUSH Oxford street exclusive and settled on the Sacred Lotus Bath Bomb, words cannot describe how beautiful this bath bomb is (picture does not do it justice) and I was honestly surprised that it made it here in one piece but it did.

I am not usually a fan of flower scents but the jasmine and neroli combination is just stunning I am actually just a bit scared to use it knowing I may never get another one lol, but I’m sure there will come a night when I take the plunge.

I also got some Terry’s Orange segments which is awesome and another one of my absolute favorites so I felt absolutely spoilt rotten by hubby and it could not have come at a better time, the boys also got some choccies so they were pleased as punch.

Maybe one day I will get to see the Oxford street store myself but until then I could not be happier.

procedure and dissapointment

So I promised an update and here it is...

Yesterday my ex, My monkey eldest and I all jumped into the car and off we went to the Red Cross Children's Psychiatric Center, we left over 2 hours later and I have to say feeling rather despondent and a bit frustrated.

When we were phoned for the appointment I thought we would be seeing a doctor strait away but unfortunately that is not how the procedure goes and we first had to see the counselor and relay all of our information and why we were there to her, I have a lever arch file full that covers all of Loghan's appointments and steps we have taken since he was first diagnosed in 2011 so you can only imagine, to top it off the lady we saw did not seem to have very much patience for children especially ones that do not sit still etc... seriously; she also seemed to be very judgemental over the current decisions we have made with regards to splitting the boys up in order to give Gabriel more of the attention he needs so he doesn't end up getting to a point where Loghan is, so far this has affected Gabriel's behavior and personality for the better he is doing so much better at school and after care, it is not a decision that was made lightly or without thought and just because Loghan then says he misses his brother does not mean we made the wrong decision, case in point when they are together on the weekends, Loghan goes strait back to hurting and fighting constantly with Gabriel demanding every minute of our time and not allowing Gabriel even a minute of attention....

Our decision was made based on the need for all of the boys to get the attention and love the need and deserve it may not be a permanent decision and they are still together on the weekends but it was done based on what we were advised and felt as parents, teachers family etc.

I cannot begin to explain how mentally and physically exhausting having a child with special needs is, I am not complaining I would not change it for the world but when you have two and the one demands constant attention while the other has a personality whereby they feel like they are intruding by asking for attention it can be incredibly difficult and we needed to make decisions based on what was best for both of them, Gabriel may not ask for the attention conventionally but he had taken to baby like behavior and tantrum throwing, he was starting to get into a lot of trouble especially at aftercare, since we have split them during the week, the tantrums have all but abated and he no longer acts like a baby at all to gain attention so whilst I understand and know Loghan misses his brother in his own way we as parents needed to do this, it hurt and it was not something we wanted to do but in the end it really has helped.

Anyway back to the appointment, 2 hours later the lady decided we had been there long enough and advised I would need to return to give her all Loghan's medical history and then Loghan would need to return a while later to be interviewed and only then does she get together with the doctors and they make a decision from there as to what treatment he will need...

I understand it is government and our only option but it was a bit disappointing, the more time goes on without help the more chance there is of something else happening and it is incredibly nerve wrecking for us as a family, Loghan does not seem to understand the impact or what his actions have caused as much as we explain it to him, he blocks his ears and does not want to hear or talk bout anything, which is typical child behavior and when a child feels guilty or doesn't want to hear what you have to say... you get the picture.

I'm trying to be positive, personally I am not sleeping very well, my appetite has gone out the window, I know I need to see someone at the moment it's just not possible financially so I am going to be looking into a herbal medication to see if that may help, it's a long journey made even longer when you start to question your decision and choices over the years whether you should have done this or seen this doctor or that but the truth is we have seen the best doctors in the field and this is our last option, I do trust that in the end we will egt the help that we need I have been told red cross has some of the best doctors for children in the country so we just have to keep positive and keep pushing forward until we get the help we need.

School starts next week and Loghan gets a new teacher as his has relocated to the UK we were advised of this at the beginning of the school year, it is a shame because his teacher was just amazing and he loved her so much but we have been assured the new teacher is very much like her so Im sure it will be ok.

Hubby is back and we are finally settling back into routine at home, I cannot explain how great it is to have him home.

Jesse is just Jesse lol, he has recovered from chicken pox but has been left with quite a number of marks which we are hoping will fade with the help of tissue oil but otherwise he was very happy to have his daddy home again.

That's it for update on my front, I hope everyone has a wonderful cozy winterlike Wednesday =)

letting go, some secrets are harder than others

This is an incredibly raw and emotional post...I'm sitting here listening to music feeling so alone whilst hubby's flight was delayed and he is away another day, it seems incredibly stupid but its not just one thing its everything that has happened, feeling this down lead me to this post and something I have been holding inside for so long.....

I want to share this because I know so many people go through this alone and shouldn't have to, I have admitted  to going through and living with depression and having a body image disorder in my teens, this in itself was incredibly difficult to speak about, at that stage and into my early twenties looking in the mirror made me physically sick, I hated my body I hated who I was I was dying inside and instead of talking about it instead of seeking out the help I needed I chose to keep to myself and take it out on my body through self injury both physical and emotionally...

Years later I still have the scars to many to count most not viable to the every day person but to hide your addiction successfully from those around you its best to create scars not visible to imposing eyes... I call it an addiction because like an eating disorder it is exactly what it is, it consumes you its something that at a point you just cant go a day without or a minute without thinking about it... its still something I struggle with every day I'm not going to lie, like stepping on a scale its there ready to rear up at you whenever you feel low and alone, a coping mechanism which no one can quite understand unless they have been through it themselves...

Over the last few years I have found other ways to cope, I fell in love with my husband and the self harm and scars hurt him more than they ever hurt me to the point where I learnt to push it to the back of my mind as far as possible and move forward coping in other ways, its always there though, every time I step in front of the mirror,,,,

I know I am not alone in the fight to stay ahead of their demons, I know his is a rather low post for a mommy blogger but honestly I feel like there are so many woman out there who are struggling or have struggled with the same things and I just want you to know that you are not alone... to keep fighting to keep ahead and focus on everything you have to be grateful for in your lives.... my kids... my husband they are the reason that every time I feel low I have the strength to pick up again and press forward... it isn't easy and I know for most people it is rather difficult to understand why someone would want to harm themselves but let me put it to you this way more often or not it is easier to harm yourself  than see your loved ones in pain because of your pain... that is as best as I can explain...

I never want my children to know that pain or to do this themselves it hurts when I think they may ask about the more visible scars one day, if they ever do I hope to best explain to them that people choose to cope in different ways and that it is important to always express your feelings and openly communicate with those you love, as hard as it is as much as you want to hide your pain and protect them or feel they may not understand, I don't think anyone can fully understand unless they have been in that space however I understand that you cannot expect them to at least attempt to understand your feelings if you don't let them try.

Whether you suffer with depression, pnd, bpd, an eating disorder, self injury.... please remember you are not alone and there is always some one... ALWAYS; who loves you and cares as hard as that is to see sometimes and there is ALWAYS something to fight for....and there is always someone who understands...

Randomness...single mums and updates

My hubby has been in the uk for a week now and I have to be honest when he left I was screaming inside, I honestly didn't know if I was going to cope with everything else that has been going on in our lives, but I have to admit as much as missing him hurts and being away from him is terrible, as a mom I think I'm doing ok, its been rather nice having my kids to my self although I will say when hubby gets back I think a bubble bath and a glass of wine with a side of book reading is in order, but other than that we are all alive the house is clean and everything has gone according to routine.

I have so much respect for single moms I really do, its not the same as having your partner go away but having to navigate everything on your own ALL day with not even a 5 minute pee break to yourself, wow just wow, single moms are just incredible and I think every one of you deserve a frikken glass of wine the size of a small country =)

On the other hand it has been nice like I said having my babies to myself, taking them out on my own is quite daunting normally I try work around having to take all 3 out on my own its not that I cant I'm just always so scared that my eyes cannot be on them all the time, I remember once when Jesse was still a newborn I took them all out and Loghan got a bee in his bonnet and ran I promise you Gabriel in the one hand, Jesse in the sling I sprinted after him it was incredibly scary and I hope to never go through that again.

The school term is ended, we have an appointment for Loghan next week and will hopefully start the process of re evaluation and getting the help we need, we have had to make some very non conventional adjustments at home that are going to take some getting used to as well but everyday closer to Loghans app is one day closer to the help we need and I am grateful for that.

I will definitely post a better update once we are more clear about where we stand and where we are going.

Teeny rant...

I will never for the life of me understand why some people feel the need to pass judgement or comment upon people for the number of children that they have, their age or whether they are married or not... why.

Look I can understand how it would be frustrating to see someone produce 10 kids when they have no money are unemployed etc but when a couple love each other have been together for a while and are bringing their children into a loving stable home I just cannot understand it.

Case in point one of the young mums I know, she is one of the best moms I have ever met, her kids are happy, yes she is young so frikken what she isn't stupid or a child her kids are far from neglected they are loved and are some of the most well mannered lovely kids I have ever met, age has nothing to do with your ability to parent I strongly believe that having seen a few moms now as young as 13/14 become wonderful doting mothers... is it ideal or right for a woman to become a mom at some a young age... no; but shit happens and what matters most is what that young mom and her partner do going forward.

Having been a teen mom myself I know what its like the judgment, the opinions people telling you you were stupid or bound to fail, it is incredibly frustrating to see someone you know not share such wonderful news not share photos etc because of the judgment thrown towards them, its not your body, its not your family so why...

I urge all the moms out there who are pregnant with babies who may not be as anticipated by those around you to keep your head up high, share the news, share your photos, your ups and downs, so not let this beautiful gift be marred by those people, your unborn child and you do not deserve that negativity and your baby should be celebrated for the gift that he/she is.

The blame game- schools and adhd

Recently there have been many posts on social media doing the rounds whereby schools and teachers are given the blame for the rise of adhd/ add in the classrooms, these posts piss me off I will be blunt about it, whilst I know and understand that there are teachers and parents who take advantage or try to put children onto these medications who do not need it there are so many amazing and wonderful schools and teachers out there who only want to help and do what is best for the kids in their care.

I think people forget so easily that our children are left in the care of these teachers for a much longer period than we spend with them most days, that aside if you take into account the amount of chemicals, hormones and additives in our foods and environment today it is no wonder that anything related to foetal development is affected to a greater point than it was in previous years, we as moms unknowingly or naively expose our unborn children to these things on a daily basis throughout our pregnancies, and honestly it is not our fault it is the world and the times that we live in and quite honestly you can do all the research you want eat well etc but there are certain factors in our environment that just cannot be avoided.  Also taking into account that our schooling systems have changed, class numbers have increased workloads have increased but that is not the fault of the teacher they are only doing their job, in older days children who were deemed unruly or unmanageable often dropped out of school were shipped off to reform schools or were even beaten into submission, it is no longer like that today thanks in part largely to a better understanding of mental health and the availability and understanding of therapy and medication, whilst in previous centuries therapy was a very wishy washy science frowned upon by many today it is more widely accepted as more and more people are forced or need to seek it in order to deal with their issues or circumstance related illnesses and problems.

I got a bit off topic but my point of this post was related to our school meetings on Monday whereby we met with one of the wonderful teachers who help Gabriel with extra lessons.

Gabriel does struggle he is more along the attention side than the hyperactivity side of adhd he is a dreamer with a very active imagination and gets distracted into his own mind so easily but that is who he is and its one of the many things we so cherish about his personality.

Anyhoo so the teacher asked what meds he is on and since he is not on Concerta or Ritalin she asked if we had considered it, we both said no and her response was one that only asserted my pride in the school that we chose, she basically said no problem that is your choice as parents and we will not bring it up again, perhaps look at a natural supplement omegas and such and that was it.  I am grateful that the teacher asked and took interest but I am more grateful that she took our opinions as his parents as the end of it, she didn't force the issue she merely made a suggestion based on experience (her own child is adhd) and took to heart our concerns and what we felt was best.

People are so quick to place blame autism and vaccines, c sections and lack of woman’s empowerment, formula and developmental delays, teacher/school structures and adhd… it’s time to stop laying the blame on all and sundry and just accept that our environment and circumstances have changed, children especially are more greatly affected by that which surrounds them and instead of passing the blame we need to take what we have and work with it and through it, teachers make mistakes, people make mistakes and if someone feels incredibly strongly about a teacher or doctor being wrong, then seek a 2^nd opinion, get a full and proper assessment done with someone you trust, do your research, try the natural methods, change their diet do everything you can because every child is different and what works for one may not work for another.

We have had bad experiences with teachers and schools before but it does not help to lay blame and harper on what was, it doesn’t help anything.  I could not have picked a better school for the boys than the one they are in now, the compassion love and understanding is clear each and every time we speak to a teacher or walk into their school and I am incredibly grateful for all their support so far.

Taking a step back...

Our family is going through an incredibly difficult time at the moment and whilst my blogging side has urged me on to share because of all the wonderful insight and support I gain from those who read my blog, as a mom I have to take a step back and decide how much of my children’s lives I am happy to share and they would be happy with being exposed on the web.

I can tell you that the process we are going through at the moment has made me acutely aware of the lack of support and mental health facilities available to children, particularly young children, other than psychologists or psychiatrists which are 10 to the dozen if you have the money, actual mental health facilities are very narrow and involve waiting lists and referrals which take time and are incredibly frustrating especially when you cannot afford to let the issue rest or simmer until it explodes into an even worse situation and even more so because you are trying to help your child your baby and it just seems like you are running on ice and getting nowhere.

We have reached the point where are options are few, we are facing a total reassessment for one of the boys that may involve being more on the spectrum than was originally diagnosed, we are also facing the lack of an aftercare facility that is able and willing to take on a child with the sort of issues were are going through as well as being heartbreakingly forced into a situation where we have had to send him to stay with a family member until we can resolve a way forward which is killing me.

I am angry frustrated and despondent at the lack of help and the amount of judgement that families with children with mental health issues receive and that the children themselves are faced with, I am tired and I am heartbroken.

Right now my other 2 kiddos are home and relishing that there is less of a fight for attention than there usually is, we are trying to stay positive and spend as much time giving them what they need right now, but its frikken hard when all you want to do is scream and cry from frustration because you are trying so hard to help your other child and give them the life they deserve free from judgment, bullies and hate, there are times when I don't even know what I feel or how to feel because I am just so lost.

I am going to go quiet for a while, this is something that we as a family need to rally together for and focus on, I will try to post but I am not sure when or how often.

My heart is so sore especially when I think of all the other parents struggling with the same sorts of issues and also struggling to get the help they need, it’s not right and it’s not fair and I wish I could make a change in the world so that everyone can get the help that they need.