An Epiphany of sorts

I’ve spoken before about my hysterectomy and how I had times where I felt like I wasn’t truly over or hadn’t fully come to terms with never having kids again but I realized this weekend that it has finally hit me and that I’ve reached a point where I am actually fine and dandy with never having another baby and I realized that I have accepted it in the funniest of ways.

You see I have always had this radar for a pregnant woman or belly; I have often been able to tell a woman is pregnant before she announces it or spotted a very well hidden pregnant belly before a pregnancy is announced but over the last few months I have seriously lost the ability or the inclination to do this… I have lost my super power… don’t laugh….

Seriously though 2 of my colleagues are pregnant and quite prominently so… I did not notice seriously not even an inkling until they announced it and then over the weekend I bumped into my gynea who is pregnant with twins… TWINS and I didn’t notice… I mean common right… so I was telling my mum about this and she said that it’s probably because I have moved over that stage in my life, I am no longer thinking about babies or expanding my family and I’m content to focus on my own children and not everyone else’s which sounds rather cold but when I thought about it, it made logical sense and that is when it hit me, I have finally moved on and forward and it no longer hurts to think about never having another baby because I am perfectly happy with my kids and our family as is…. It’s a good feeling actually… I mean I still like to ohm and ah over sweet baby feet and tiny outfits but it’s not the same… its strange… but a good strange if you get my meaning.

It was one of those aha moments… getting older does this to you =)

One thing I would have changed in my pregnancies

I found out the gender of the boys in every pregnancy and when I look back now I think that it may have been nice to have waited with just one of them, I think it would have been a nice surprise, I don’t know I have never been a very patient person aside from my kids lol but still I do think about it every now and then and contemplate on what it would have been like for them to lift baby out and for hubby or my ex to have seen first.

Did you wait or did you find out as soon as possible, did the gender ‘change’, I know more than one person who went into to have one gender and came home with another =)

With Jesse we were told girl at 12 weeks and then boy at 17 weeks, little monkey.

Gabriel's birth story

So I have shared Jesse’s birth story on here as well as Loghan’s with Gabriel’s 6^th birthday fast approaching I decided to share his.

When I fell pregnant with Gabriel I was not at a good place in my life, I was unhappy and depressed and when I saw the 2 lines on that pregnancy test I was both elated but scared as hell.

I was scared because I knew how our families would react, I knew we didn’t have the money and I knew that I was already un happy in my marriage but to be honest there was a small part of me that hoped that this pregnancy would solve our issues, stupid I know because as my mom always says babies don’t fix marriages/ relationships…. 

Jesse's birth Story

This evening I have decided to share Jesse's birth story.  I will share Gabriel and Loghan's stories as well but at a later stage, this is going to be a long one so either make yourself a cuppa or settle in for the long haul =)

So here we go...

An Apology to my middle child

As I was rocking your baby brother to sleep last night I sat marveling at this piece of perfection that lay in my arms, I took in everything his nose his eyes, the scent of him everything and I thanked the Gods for giving me this gift, and as I sat I thought of the many times I held Loghan like this, rocking him to sleep and whispering sweet nothings into his ear praising the Gods for the perfection that is a child, and then I thought of you and I stopped because as much as I tried to think of these moments with you I realized in this regard I failed you and I am sorry for it…

5 Things I Would Tell My Pregnant Self

I came across this topic while watching a vlog (bumps along the way) last night and I thought it would be something fun to reflect on so here it goes.
You would think that after 2 full term pregnancies and 1 almost full term that I would have had it done by the 3rd round but reflecting on this topic there are still; things that I probably would have like to have done differently.

the loss of something you never knew

Over the past few days I have been reading a lot of articles and watching videos regarding miscarriage loss and going on to have healthy pregnancies and babies.

I don’t like to think about my losses although I do everyday and up until now I haven’t spoken openly about what it feels like to go through those losses and then be forced to move forward, with every future pregnancy resulting in constant worry that something may go wrong, hoping with every fibre of your being that everything will work out and you will walk away with a healthy baby in your arms.