As I was
rocking your baby brother to sleep last night I sat marveling at this piece of
perfection that lay in my arms, I took in everything his nose his eyes, the
scent of him everything and I thanked the Gods for giving me this gift, and as
I sat I thought of the many times I held Loghan
like this, rocking him to sleep and whispering sweet nothings into his ear
praising the Gods for the perfection that is a child, and then I thought of you
and I stopped because as much as I tried to think of these moments with you I
realized in this regard I failed you and I am sorry for it…
I
remember the day I got that positive hpt,
I sat there in dumb shock for at least 10 minutes I was incredibly happy and
excited but just as scared… I was into my 3rd and final year of
college, things with your father were complicated and I was mostly down and
depressed all the time. Your older
brother was not even 2 and required so much attention I barely had time to
acknowledge your movements and the milestones you met along the way, every time
I landed up in the hospital for some sort of pregnancy related ailment I grew
more depressed and bitter and even though I loved you with every fibre of my
being I just wanted your pregnancy to hurry along and I wish I had given you
more love and attention during those 9 months, because truth be told they go by
far to fast.
Then you
came into the world and I marveled at the sight of you- you were my healthiest
baby, and the first and only baby to come back into the ward with me after
birth, even though you went to nicu the
next day- you fed well you slept well and you were such an easy baby in all
essence you were what most parents dream of when it comes to babies.
We
returned home and things went from bad to worse and I left your father when you
were just a 2 weeks old, from the start you had to deal with so much emotional
turmoil and stress between our households, you went between my home and your
fathers, and we were both caught up in so much that I did not give you the time
or attention you so greatly deserved in your baby hood- I held you yes, but you
slept in your own bed away from me, I gave up on breast feeding early and often
you were bottle fed by someone else, I loved you so incredibly much but I feel
like I owed you so much more than that, and I just want to apologize…. I know I
must come across to most people as a terrible mom, how could you not give your
child every bit of your attention…. I regret it terribly every time you crawl
onto my lap and smile at me with such love I feel like I am so undeserving of
it.
Please
know that in the years to come if you ever feel like my attention is divided
unequally it is not intentional, another mom once told me that your children
will each need you more at certain times in their lives.
I just
want to tell you that I am incredibly proud of you even at the age of 5 you are
just such an incredible child, so creative so sensitive and kind, I could spend
all morning telling you much I wish I had rocked you to sleep every night or
bed shared with you- how much I wish I had taken in every moment, but that time
has come and gone and I can only hope to make it up to you in the years to
come, you are such an incredible gift in my life, you brought happiness into my
world at a time of great confusion and sadness and for that I am incredibly
grateful and proud- my life is blessed every day for the joy and laughter you
and your brothers bring into my life and I hope you never doubt that.
Love you
lots and lots to the moon and stars more than chocolate and jelly tots…
My angel
child, my Gabriel
Love mom
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