Monday, 5 August 2019

IQ results and updates... being a mom is hard


So this year we have had to go through a lot of testing on Loghan’s side and one of the tests we have had done in the past but we did again was an IQ and educational assessment.

We received the results last week and although I knew from previous testing that Loghan’s IQ was very high I didn’t quite expect him to score as high as he did… now I know the psychologist seemed quite taken back at my reaction he exclaimed that many people himself included would love to have an IQ as high as his and don’t get me wrong I am incredibly proud as I stated I have always known he is incredibly bright.

However looking back on our journey and the difficulties he and we have experienced and continue to experience with him to the point where we have been told that Loghan is an extremely complex case and the doctors themselves struggle to place and understand him- remarking on how many of the autism traits he displays that correspond with his diagnosis but at the same time he displays so many traits that contradict that diagnosis, further complicating the matter and how we can help him I just cannot help but wonder if things would have been easier for him if he had a normal or average IQ.

It is wonderful to have a child that can figure out theorems and concepts that go over my heard from the get go and it’s wonderful to know that many of his difficulties are as a result of or in part of his intellectual abilities ie he will often come across as arrogant or rude think Sheldon of Big Bang and yes there are definitely times when it is deliberate but often it isn’t and he just doesn’t get the sarcasm or the joke etc and takes offence to it or it just goes over his head.

From a personal stand point my IQ isn’t bad either, but when your child’s IQ gives them the ability to put complex thought into their actions and then they choose to act in a certain way or make decisions that are to be blunt stupid I just don’t know any more guys I really don’t.

On a good note we managed to secure an appointment next month for hormonal testing and another appointment for Urology to check up on the operation Loghan underwent when he was younger for a missed birth defect. The operation and the hospital stay at that time was incredibly traumatizing,many of the nurses were inpatient, the doctor we saw for aftercare was rude and spoke to both myself and Loghan in a disgusting manner he also physically hurt Loghan by ripping the catheter that was put through his tummy out when he grew impatient with my very scared 4 year old- overall a terrible experience! Nothing was explained to us properly we do not even know why the defect went unnoticed when he was in NICU, but  I refuse to dwell on that although I feel that the information we are being told now in relation to that birth defect and why it occurs would have helped tremendously there is no use harping on the matter we can only move forward.

The thing is most people who I know don’t know Loghan’s complete journey they may know bits and pieces but VERY few people actually know what my son went through and has been through in his 12 years on this Earth, those that do know have been my greatest support system and they understand what we as a family have gone and are going through. Many people will retort that one’s experiences are no excuse for poor or bad behaviors but the fact of the matter is that they do mold the way forward, they do leave an impression especially on a child.

I just.. I feel like I have done or am doing my child an injustice I feel like he has been denied the carefree childhood every child deserves and I feel that as a parent I have been denied in many instances the enjoyment of my child if that makes sense like I haven’t just been able to enjoy his childhood and watch him grow to experience a normal or non-chaotic life and he has been denied that as well and thus my other children in return because I have had to hyper focus most of my attention on their brother, I also sometimes feel like I am doing him injustice by not being able to foster his intelligence in constructive ways- maths and science just aren’t my jam and funds are always so tight I wish I could enroll him in robotics class or sit down and do engineering or science projects with him, I try but to be frank it just ends in frustration and most of the time I am so tired from just trying to keep everything and everyone going and together I can quite honestly barely remember what day it is… I only remembered it was my anniversary 2 days beforehand I totally spaced because I have so many dates running through my head for appointments and so many ideas and strategies for behavior management and then just trying to be a decent mom to my other children and a wife who puts a decent meal on the table at the end of each day…. Sigh.

I will say that Loghan’s new psychologist (the last one immigrated) is amazing and he has brought so much insight and new information, thoughts and ideas to the table, it feels like he has genuine interest in our case and that he actually cares what happens to our child and our family unlike many whom we have seen before.  This is a tremendous help and relief but we still have a long road to walk and a long way to go. 

Monday, 15 July 2019

My life isn’t INSTA-perfect…





I would really love to say that my life… our life; is as perfect as an Instagram post filtered to perfection, not a blurry edge or a misplaced item in sight…. Hell I would love to say that my actual Instagram even contains pictures that are vaguely perfect, but I am one helluva lazy photographer and getting my kiddos to stand still when I cannot even stand still for 5 minutes, who has the time I ask you?

Every day I browse through so many wonderful images, smoothie bowls and Disneyland trips, social events and morning faces that look like model snap shots but with time… and age, I have realised that besides the fact that I am just never going to be that mum, I have nothing to prove, I do not need to please someone else and I do not need to convince anyone that I love my life; each and every chaotic piece of it.

Sure I’ve lost a fair amount of my sanity along the way, but that’s ok… I’m ok… I’m ok with that.
In fact I am more than ok.

It has taken time… I have fallen over my own feet and been fooled into trusting people that never had mine or my families well beings at heart and yet at the same time I have met people, wondrous amazing people who have pulled us up and helped us forward, who have been supportive and encouraging, loving and selfless- showing me that my life our life does not need to be picture perfect and it sure as anything doesn’t matter if anyone else thinks it is or isn’t.

As a society it appears from my end that everything has come to revolve around that perfect image those carefully placed snapshots, keeping up appearances for people you hardly know and in many cases may have no respect or liking for, the filters… the pretence, media influences who paint this picture of a cookie cutter world that has little place in reality and sets the younger generation up for a fall.

As a child I loved to take photos and I have an entire album full of poorly taken blurred images of random things, random moments, imperfection at its best… but that is what makes them so absolutely perfect.

My life is that perfect perfection and I love it, I love the people in my life whose crazy matches mine, I love my kids whose life mission is to remove strands of what is left of my sanity one strand at a time, I love my husband who is probably the only partner I have ever had who has seen all my crazy… the entire hot mess that is me and he remains by my side.

My life isn’t INSTA- perfect, we will never be those people…. And I’m ok with that=)