Wednesday, 4 September 2019

I looked up and he was gone…

 This has been an incredibly scary week for woman and people in South Africa, the amount of senseless violence and in particular gender based violence is rampant, it would seem that the world has gone completely mad, children being abducted from their schools, woman being bludgeoned in public places or being murdered by their partners, parents murdering their own children or their partners children, it really is enough to make you lock yourself and your children up indoors and never leave, only we cant.

We want to believe that our children are safe at school and then a child is taken, we want to believe our children are safe in a mall… they aren’t, this is all playing so heavily our minds, not just the minds of us as woman but as mothers, even our husbands and partners who cannot guarantee the safety of their wives, mothers, sisters or children (no matter their gender).

The feeling of sheer terror is one that I but glimpsed for 2 minutes yesterday when I went to collect my middle son from school, he jumped out the car when we got to my office, I had parked mere feet away from the door, I ducked my head behind the seat to grab his homework sheet and when I looked up… my son was gone.

I walked to the door of my office and when my colleague opened for me I asked her where Gabriel had gone, she was sitting right there with a certain amount of visibility over the parking lot and she wasn’t sure.

My heart sank; he must be playing hide and seek… I ran to the car I checked… he wasn’t there.
I started calling for him but he did not respond… I went back into my office again- are you sure he isn’t here? No!

I hit all panic stations raced outside and started frantically searching and screaming his name… he’s gone oh my god he is gone was all that ran through my head. I didn’t care who was watching who was listening the fear was overwhelming!
I stopped for a moment and then I heard it- his giggle and his voice… I raced into the open gym next door and low and behold there he was, both anger and relief overwhelmed me as I screamed at him telling him never to do that again; couldn’t he hear me screaming. His face sank and he was almost in tears how could he comprehend the sheer terror of those moments, those moments in which I thought that I had lost my child.

It all ended well for us but the truth is that anything can happen, it only takes a second and the fact that we have to live with this fear every day is completely unacceptable!

Our children have the right to feel and be safe, we as people have the right to feel safe… woman or men; at the mall or at our schools or offices, my male colleague remarked yesterday saying that he doesn’t know why all this is happening all of a sudden but the truth is this violence has been going on for a long time, people have just had enough, social media is taking over and our voices are becoming louder, the sad thing is that we have a government who promotes education with seductively placed woman holding books in adverts, we have a government who cares more about their 10 cars and their next holiday than the people who they are supposed to be protecting and that is scary.

It is time for us as a community, as a country to say enough is enough and we will not stand for it, we will not stand by as our colleagues, neighbors, friends and loved ones are taken in acts of senseless violence, we will not remain silent, take a stand starting yesterday!

Monday, 5 August 2019

IQ results and updates... being a mom is hard

So this year we have had to go through a lot of testing on Loghan’s side and one of the tests we have had done in the past but we did again was an IQ and educational assessment.

We received the results last week and although I knew from previous testing that Loghan’s IQ was very high I didn’t quite expect him to score as high as he did… now I know the psychologist seemed quite taken back at my reaction he exclaimed that many people himself included would love to have an IQ as high as his and don’t get me wrong I am incredibly proud as I stated I have always known he is incredibly bright.

However looking back on our journey and the difficulties he and we have experienced and continue to experience with him to the point where we have been told that Loghan is an extremely complex case and the doctors themselves struggle to place and understand him- remarking on how many of the autism traits he displays that correspond with his diagnosis but at the same time he displays so many traits that contradict that diagnosis, further complicating the matter and how we can help him I just cannot help but wonder if things would have been easier for him if he had a normal or average IQ.

It is wonderful to have a child that can figure out theorems and concepts that go over my heard from the get go and it’s wonderful to know that many of his difficulties are as a result of or in part of his intellectual abilities ie he will often come across as arrogant or rude think Sheldon of Big Bang and yes there are definitely times when it is deliberate but often it isn’t and he just doesn’t get the sarcasm or the joke etc and takes offence to it or it just goes over his head.

From a personal stand point my IQ isn’t bad either, but when your child’s IQ gives them the ability to put complex thought into their actions and then they choose to act in a certain way or make decisions that are to be blunt stupid I just don’t know any more guys I really don’t.

On a good note we managed to secure an appointment next month for hormonal testing and another appointment for Urology to check up on the operation Loghan underwent when he was younger for a missed birth defect. The operation and the hospital stay at that time was incredibly traumatizing,many of the nurses were inpatient, the doctor we saw for aftercare was rude and spoke to both myself and Loghan in a disgusting manner he also physically hurt Loghan by ripping the catheter that was put through his tummy out when he grew impatient with my very scared 4 year old- overall a terrible experience! Nothing was explained to us properly we do not even know why the defect went unnoticed when he was in NICU, but  I refuse to dwell on that although I feel that the information we are being told now in relation to that birth defect and why it occurs would have helped tremendously there is no use harping on the matter we can only move forward.

The thing is most people who I know don’t know Loghan’s complete journey they may know bits and pieces but VERY few people actually know what my son went through and has been through in his 12 years on this Earth, those that do know have been my greatest support system and they understand what we as a family have gone and are going through. Many people will retort that one’s experiences are no excuse for poor or bad behaviors but the fact of the matter is that they do mold the way forward, they do leave an impression especially on a child.

I just.. I feel like I have done or am doing my child an injustice I feel like he has been denied the carefree childhood every child deserves and I feel that as a parent I have been denied in many instances the enjoyment of my child if that makes sense like I haven’t just been able to enjoy his childhood and watch him grow to experience a normal or non-chaotic life and he has been denied that as well and thus my other children in return because I have had to hyper focus most of my attention on their brother, I also sometimes feel like I am doing him injustice by not being able to foster his intelligence in constructive ways- maths and science just aren’t my jam and funds are always so tight I wish I could enroll him in robotics class or sit down and do engineering or science projects with him, I try but to be frank it just ends in frustration and most of the time I am so tired from just trying to keep everything and everyone going and together I can quite honestly barely remember what day it is… I only remembered it was my anniversary 2 days beforehand I totally spaced because I have so many dates running through my head for appointments and so many ideas and strategies for behavior management and then just trying to be a decent mom to my other children and a wife who puts a decent meal on the table at the end of each day…. Sigh.

I will say that Loghan’s new psychologist (the last one immigrated) is amazing and he has brought so much insight and new information, thoughts and ideas to the table, it feels like he has genuine interest in our case and that he actually cares what happens to our child and our family unlike many whom we have seen before.  This is a tremendous help and relief but we still have a long road to walk and a long way to go.