Friday, 11 October 2019

World Mental Health Awareness, I am not coping.



This post should have gone up yesterday but to be honest I couldn’t string two words together yesterday… In the wake of world mental health awareness I am struggling right now, seriously struggling.

So many friends and loved ones have told me I am strong, to have people say that who love and care about you is an amazing thing but truth be told every time I hear those words a voice inside my head literally screams because I am not as strong as people would like to believe.

At the moment I am honestly dying inside I spend most of my day passing between a day dream is this my life kind of state and what the fuck am I going to do going forward state, it is never ending and I just wish that someone would tell me and us what to do because I am honestly at a point of second guessing everything all over again.

I feel so angry, hurt and confused- I have been doing this without meds, with the support of my tribe and a I can do this attitude or a I must do this attitude for so long and truth be told I just don’t know if I can put on a face do it anymore.

Suck it up Buttercup!

Just keep pushing

Tomorrow is another day

You are strong

Your children need you to do this

You don’t have time to rest

You don’t need a break and shouldn’t need one

You need to work, you cannot stay at home

You can’t take off for another appointment or leave work for one you will get fired

If you don’t fight who will

You’re fine you just need to smile, change your attitude

Every day all day from every angle- what next, where next- how can I be a good mother, wife and friend whilst still keeping my shit together and keeping my job.

You want to know how I cope?

I start painting our bedroom on a Sunday afternoon and spend the next few nights painting into the early hours, I clean our shower with a toothbrush (at 2am), I start re-grouting our tiles at 11 o clock on some rando Saturday morning, I cry when I watch anything remotely cute, sad or even happy and I laugh inappropriately, I drink wine and smoke too much, I snap at my kids and then cry because I did, I get out of bed at 10 pm because my mind won’t stop racing and start baking muffins because my kids love them, I flow between feeling like a shit mother because I won’t just quit my job and dedicate my entire existence to my children and my eldest sons education and well being and a shitty person for wanting to just walk away from it all.

In short… I am not coping right now; my anxiety is through the roof my OCD is taking over...

I feel everything and nothing at all and my heart is tired so is my soul and I just wish someone out there could give me the answers, I just wish someone could tell us we are making the right choices, taking the right path but that person doesn’t exist and it scares the hell out of me.

Today I just need to be sad, It’s not about anyone else, I have an amazing support system who has gone out of their way to help and be there for us and that support is something I cherish and value; tomorrow I may wake up with renewed optimism ready to go and face the world again, to fight and be strong but today, today I just need to be sad and angry, I just need to not be ok.

Tuesday, 1 October 2019

A new journey....

I've taken a step back over the last month or so, we recently received some devastating news with regards to my eldest son and it has been a roller coaster of a fortnight trying to navigate a way forward; a lot of things have come into perspective for me personally and I find myself more than ever grappling with the need to do more, to be a voice for other parents, families and children facing the same road we are, I feel there is not enough said, not enough support and resources and so many people out there need to know that they are not alone, so a new blog that will run alongside although focusing specifically on our journey with my eldest is in the works as well as something else, if I can help even one person realize that they are not alone then I will have done what my heart has set out to do!

So here it is the start of a new journey, the title of the blog may seem intense and I encourage you to follow us along our journey if you want to educate yourself on just what we are dealing with and how far our family has come and what we have had to deal with up until this point, there is a long journey ahead of us but we are finally getting the answers we have so desperately fought for, we are not the only family going through this and we will not be the last but we will not lie down and give up, please help me be apart of the solution spreading awareness and raising the call to demand better mental health therapy access, support and guidance. Become an advocate for change! I know it is still early days so please forgive the basic look of the blog and the lack of content at this stage I am putting this time in around my working schedule and trying to navigate the point of our journey we have reached, but I know in my heart that this is what I am meant to do, I am tired of feeling ashamed and scared to share our story as I am sure many families are!

I will continue to post on this space but this space will center around our general family life, sponsored posts and such whilst the other blog will be related specifically to our journey with my eldest and our call for change and support in the mental health community.