Sunday, 18 February 2018

Mental health struggles and being a mom

So I want to apologise for being a bit... well a lot  MIA lately, it is something that I have been trying to avoid talking about... it is very embarrassing for me as a mother to admit when things are going downhill for me mentally and in a personal capacity, but I have been struggling lately... really struggling and I feel it really is something I need to discuss as mental health is something that is still so greatly stigmatised especially when you are a mother.

As a mom I often feel like it is just not acceptable for me to fall apart or break down, you get up you put on a smile and you fake it until you make it, and thats hard, it's really hard and sometimes I just get to the point where I can't anymore, and I know I have written in the past about it being important to know that it is ok to not be ok, that it's ok to cry and scream and vent but as a mother I do find that difficult, I have 3 kids, 2 of which have struggles of their own and its not their fault and I would never change them for the world but of late I have to admit that I am feeling bit lost in translation like I have lost my way and gone off my path, I feel like I don't know where I want to be or where I am going in life, I'm tired and frustrated and there are days where I just want to crawl up in the foetal position and stay there for the day and not have to deal with anyone or anything and I hate feeling like this I hate that i don't want to run around with my kids or go out with friends and socialise, I can feel myself slipping further and further back into bad habits and bad feelings and I don't want to be that person, I want to be the sunshine pinterest mom that goes to the beach with my kids and runs around snapping perfect instagram pics I want to be the mom that cuts out heart shaped sandwiches and cooks healthy home cooked meals with a spotless home and perfect schedule, I want to be that mom so badly it hurst to admit that I am not that mom right now... 

I am the mom who tries her best, the mom who probably drinks a bit too much wine too often, the mom who drags herself out of bed and looks like the cookie monster without a cookie before her first cup of coffee, the mom who rushes out the door every morning and is still late for work and the mom who shows up to every event with smudged day old mascara and some sort of food option on some or other article of clothing because my boys are the kings of dirt, I lack patience at the best of times and get frustrated with myself, I go through stages of manic organisational skill and then stages where my life just feels like a hot mess... but I try, I love my boys with every fibre of my being and I know that at this stage I am doing them a disservice by ignoring my issues.

Ive been thinking a lot about what I need to do in order to make my family happy and be the best mom I can for them and I think at the end of the day its time I admit that I just can't do this on my own anymore and without the help of medication which I have relied on in the past with success and with this mind I am going to be taking a bit of a step back from this platform in order to concentrate on my family, I do have some reviews and sponsored posts lined up but for now if I am quiet this is why, this platform has always and will continue to be an amazing space for me to share my life, my journey, my struggles and my joy but the anxiety I develop around not posting has not helped in conjunction to my other issues of late, I always enjoy sharing my thoughts here knowing that there are so many woman and moms out there who share the same trials and triumphs and I want to thank each and everyone person who has shared their stories and kind words with overtime I have felt like I am down for good, I can never explain how many times I have come out from the dark thanks to the kind words of another person and I will always be eternally grateful for each and every sentiment.

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