Friday, 8 July 2016

Does having a vice make you a bad parent?

I grew up with a mom who doesn’t drink and thinks smoking is a disgusting habit, she prefers to relax or take time out by means of facials and retail therapy, incredibly high strung and ocd; growing up I remember many a screaming match in our household many times she threatened to walk out the door etc... my dad however is both a smoker and and likes to have a drink in the evenings he is also one of the calmest people you will ever meet.  It probably came as no surprise that both my brother and I ended up being smokers as well as drinkers not heavy drinkers but I enjoy a glass or two wine especially after a long day at work…. Does this make me a bad parent or anyone else a bad parent? 

You see it on moms sites all the time woman are judged for being a smoker or for indulging in a glass of wine and I find it just ridiculous, I didn’t smoke whilst pregnant or breastfeeding and many people don’t even know that I am a smoker because I do not smoke around my kids if they come outside I send them in and this is only if my hubby is there to watch them otherwise I will not smoke, I do not allow smoking inside my home and I prefer not to smoke at all around non-smokers because it isn’t fair to them or their health, smoking is my choice not theirs, I can also go days without a cigarette simply put I smoke when I need an adult version of a time out and I don’t think that makes me a bad parent I think it makes me a better one in my own personal capacity.

I have explained to my kids smoking is a terrible dirty habit because it is that it doesn’t smell nice and can cause cancer, I am fully aware of all the dangers and what goes into it just like the wine that I drink.

I remember a very difficult time in my life a few years ago, my ex and I were not getting along he was fighting our divorce (it had been 2 almost 3 years), I had experienced 2 miscarriages with my now hubby by then and my ex was also fighting the fact that our eldest son was adhd which meant he was not getting the treatment he needed, he would have violent terrible outbursts would scream and hit me and kick me, every day was a struggle at school and at home, I was not on any treatment myself I did not smoke at the time etc and was very depressed, I shouted at my kids all the time and this was further impacted by our neighbors who complained about everything including when we would put my middle sons eczema creams on which made him cry and scream everything compacted and I was an absolute bitch to be around I’m not going to lie and at that point I feel like I was a terrible mother to my kids I didn’t know how to take out my frustration or emotions I would attempt to bottle it and then just explode and it was not a pleasant situation for anyone in our households.

Fast forward to now and I have learned to deal with frustration and my emotions in other ways, we moved, I sought therapy and if I have had a bad day I have my bath and a glass of wine, if I am frustrated I go out for a smoke yes maybe it’s not ideal and not for everyone but it means that I not only no longer yell or go off at those around me but it gives me a few minutes to breathe and address the situation at hand before taking hold of it.

Some people gym, others mediate, some spend money, everyone has a vice EVERYONE just because it’s different or something you do not agree with does not make it wrong and obviously I’m not talking being an alcoholic or something that would negatively affect those around you I’m talking about a time out to access the situation whether it be a bad day at work or something on the home front everyone is different and handles things differently isn’t there enough mommy judgement going around.

Relying on a vice doesn’t make you a bad parent my father was and still is an amazing man and dad so are so many others, being a judgemental asshole and actual bad parent makes you a bad parent.... end of story, I don't judge my mom for the million pairs of shoes she has and I shouldn't be judged for sometimes wanting a glass of wine after bedtime =)

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