Wednesday, 12 November 2014

what is normal???

What would you define as normal? I was reading another blog the other day and it spoke of normalcy and what it was to be normal, honestly I don’t classify myself as normal I consider myself a bit of freak but I like it just fine that way, it took me years to get to this point though…

Through my younger years I can remember one prevalent thought that crossed my mind on a daily basis… am I normal, am I weird, why don’t I fit in, why can’t I be popular why must I stand out.

I was a really awkward and naive child growing up, lost in my world of pink princesses and dolls, I stayed innocent till what I consider to be quite an older age.

I spent my days lost in library books and with my best friend who was just the most amazing person to me, I didn’t see why I needed to hang around with anyone else, I loved to draw and write and get completely lost in my own world, while everyone around me seemed to be getting lost in the latest fashions, boys and shaving their legs I tried hopelessly to grasp on to some sort of what was considered normal, and I shamelessly and hopelessly turned myself into more of a freak and an outcast than anything else.

There were days when I didn’t care and there were days when it was all I could think about, I didn’t think I was a bad person, I didn’t consider myself to be pretty or attractive I was overweight and my mom tended to dress me up in the most ou doos girly clothing she could get hold of, but I thought my personality was at least enough, in my opinion my peers never thought much of me and when I was actually invited to attend any peer events I’m sure it was more for a laugh than anything else…. I was a good girl I never stayed out late or broke the rules; I never expected expensive or branded things from my parents.
When I hit high school things didn’t change much people seemed to get less accepting although I did find myself making more friends, in my opinion I never really fit in with them either, I started to hate myself and my body more and more, started bunking, doing drugs drinking and well anything I could do to fit in and find attention, I ended up failing grade 9 which for me was mortifying but freeing at the same time, for the first time I started finding myself a learning curve if I do say myself.

I stopped giving a cents worth about what others thought, I made amazing friends and found my beliefs in Paganism, through this I met even more amazing people most older who understood me and allowed to be who I was and liked it, I could share knowledge with the most amazing people while receiving it at the same time, I found myself wondering into the gothic subculture that paved a whole new world for me both dark as well as bright, I used this new found freedom to rebel in every sense of the world and when it all came crumbling down I found myself running more away from my family and into myself than ever.
I was the arty farty gothic witchy girl that people either loved or hated, I had many friends but just as many enemies and I didn’t care, I expressed myself in every way possible and found myself seeking alternative means to the depression and loneliness I felt, painkillers alcohol, drugs, self mutilation I really just didn’t care, I messed around shamelessly, fell in love and out of love, got hurt and hurt others and lost myself completely while trying to find myself.

I lost an extreme amount of weight and for the first time felt like I had an advantage and I used and abused it.
It wasn’t until my matric year that I started pulling myself out of the hole, I cant say that it was the last time but it was definitely the deepest hole I had to come back from.

I met my ex we became close friends and he quickly put his foot down on my destructive behaviours although at the same time he seemed to understand and connect on how I felt, it felt amazing to meet someone who I thought understood every part of who I was and didn’t care.
I put my thoughts into studying and settling down having a family and living out the rest of my life in glorious and endless happiness.
I fell pregnant at the end of matric year which was a complete shock to everyone, quite honestly it wasn’t a shock to me, we were stupid and reckless and it would have happened sooner or later.

I can honestly say that falling pregnant was the best thing that could ever have happened to me, there is nothing like a baby to smack you through the face with a reality call.

Loghan helped me realise so much about myself and still does every day as does his brothers, I swopped late nights out for late nights in, high heels for ballet pumps and corsets…. Well I still wear those on occasion but I now wear whatever is comfy, most of all I swopped lonliness for the greatest love I will ever know.

I still consider myself a bit of an outsider, but that’s ok I have my family and my handful of amazing friends and that’s all that matters.
There are still days where I lose myself but that’s ok to, its ok to be different its ok to stand out and I will always encourage that in my boys, I apologise profusely for what I put my parents through but that is part of growing up and finding you who are, for some people it comes easy and others not so much, hopefully my boys won’t give me too much of a run for my money…..

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