Thursday, 10 July 2014

the loss of something you never knew

Over the past few days I have been reading a lot of articles and watching videos regarding miscarriage loss and going on to have healthy pregnancies and babies.

I don’t like to think about my losses although I do everyday and up until now I haven’t spoken openly about what it feels like to go through those losses and then be forced to move forward, with every future pregnancy resulting in constant worry that something may go wrong, hoping with every fibre of your being that everything will work out and you will walk away with a healthy baby in your arms.

My 1st loss was around the 11/12 week mark, I was very young and had to go through it alone at home in the bath tub, I was no longer with the father and at the age that I was I was definitely not prepared or meant to be a parent, if I had stayed pregnant I don’t know what I would have done in the end even though it hurts I think it is better that it did happen like I said I was too young and I was definitely not meant to start my mothering journey.

I knew I was pregnant from off the bat but nothing prepared for those two lines, I told my ex at the time he didn’t seem much interested if he even believed me and that was ok I pretty much went into denial anyway until I woke up early one morning in excruciating pain with blood everywhere, I was so scared and I knew what was happening and to this day I still feel guilty for thinking thank the gods, I knew I wanted to be a mom but not then to me this was happening for a reason and every bit of pain I was going through was well deserved for my stupidity and bad judgment, I had to go for a dnc by myself at a free clinic all alone with no support, it was a horrible experience and one that I still try not to think of, the nurses and doctor were cold, I suppose it comes with what they do but I felt so abandoned and alone.

After that I was depressed for a long time but it came with many other things intertwined in time I pushed it to the back of my mind, I met my 1st husband and once again I saw those 2 pink lines appear…. This time however I wanted this and I wanted it badly, I was head over heels in love and we were going to be parents, I never once thought that I would lose another baby and my pregnancy went on in blissful ignorance it was easy and I was loving every minute of it. At 36 weeks my waters broke prematurely and I gave birth to a perfect 2.5kg baby boy, I was so incredibly proud.

A year later I fell pregnant again it was not planned but I was still with my ex and we were planning on getting married so I was happy and started silently preparing, a few weeks later I was at college and started experiencing that same excruciating pain once more, I knew what was happening and had someone drive me home, I knew that there was nothing a doctor could do for me- I called my boyfriend but he was distant and cold, I am not sure if it was his youth or the fact that he hadn’t been prepared to father 1 child never mind two but I received no support from him, I just lay on the bed by myself while it happened and sobbed into the early hours of the morning when the pain eventually eased up, from my calculations I was 8 weeks (from the positive test and my lmp) I had not even seen a doctor yet, I took a test the next day and it now read negative, I had lost another baby, I went to a herbal store after looking up herbs to clear everything out naturally and it did, I mourned this time, I was so sad and I felt so alone, my ex carried on as if nothing had even happened and I could tell no one how I was feeling, I couldn’t understand why this had happened to me again, this time my baby was not unwanted, I was in a stable relationship what had I done wrong I asked myself that question every day for a long time…..

Then we fell pregnant again this time I longed for a good outcome, I wished I prayed I pleaded, please I want this baby so badly, my marriage was already rocky but I knew I wanted this baby no matter what, I was so scared for that 1st ultrasound so when we saw and heard that heartbeat for the first time I cried with happiness, a few weeks of waiting with bated breath and we were told we were having our second boy I was elated I was so proud I didn’t care what sex our baby was he was healthy and I was so happy! Gabriel’s pregnancy was so difficult there were many times where I just pleaded that he would be okay and he was, he survived swine flu, an operation to remove my appendix, a fall down the stairs as well as prem labour and he was born at 38 weeks a gorgeous chubby baby of 3.5kg perfect in everyway, when he was lifted up for the first time the tears streamed down my face I was just so relieved and happy.

A short time after he was born I separated from my ex, I found love with my now husband and between Gabriel and our son Jesse we experienced 3 losses, I am not sure why but with all 3 I just knew they weren’t going to make it, from the time I saw their positive tests I just knew that they were not going to make it into my arms, the 1st time I mourned and Jaco mourned with me we both cried we both held each other and he assured me that we would one day hold a baby in our arms he sat with me every step of the way and checked up on me for days afterwards…. I was 6 weeks along, the second time he didn’t speak he apologized he could not be with me as we were apart from each other at the time, I felt so alone so angry how could this happen again when we wanted a baby so badly, it was not like we planned it but we wanted that baby so badly… I was 7/8 weeks along, the 3rd and final loss we experienced was a month before we got married, I was going to book my appointment that Monday, the Saturday I woke up in pain and ran to the bathroom leaving a trail of blood behind me, when my boyfriend came to the bathroom I could see the hurt in his eyes, he knew what was happening and this time he didn’t have the words it was just too painful, I went to the doctor and again did not need a dnc I was 6 weeks along. I remember lying on my gynea’s table so angry so hurt, I wanted to scream aloud and ask her why us, what had we done, was I being punished for not wanting my 1st baby, what did we do to deserve this… my gynea could not offer an explanation other than that I had 2 healthy children so clearly there was nothing wrong with me and Jaco and I had fallen pregnant 3 x so clearly we could fall pregnant it was just keeping the pregnancies that was an issue, I asked her if it could be a gender issue, in my heart I just knew all my losses were girls, she said it may be but otherwise we would never know without further testing which she didn’t think was necessary, it just happens sometimes she said and she went on to encourage me to try again whenever I felt ready.

I left that office shattered and heartbroken, I honestly did not think I had the strength to go through that again or to try again, I thought that maybe we were just not meant to have a baby of our own and for a long time we didn’t speak about it, we had named our last two babies even though they were lost so early it was part of the grieving process for us, but that time I named her alone, I could see it was just too painful for him and so I silently grieved alone.

After we got married somewhat months later my now hubby brought up the thought of trying again, but this time we would actively try we would plan and take a chance one last time, we expected it to take a while I was only going to stop my pill in a few months but over December my eldest son went into hospital and I skipped a few pills, low and behold at the end of January we were pregnant, I remember sitting with that test in my hands on the bathroom floor waiting for the result with my heart sitting in my throat and when that test said pregnant I just knew that this time it would be different this time we were going to hold a baby in our arms, I screamed for my husband and when he saw that test I saw him go from anxiousness to happiness he picked me up and spun me around we were so happy.

My husband was so anxious I couldn’t pick up anything or do anything that required work lol he faffed and fussed for the full 9 months, but I remember most that 1st scan seeing Jesse appear on the screening and telling myself that if I could just see that heartbeat I would know everything would be ok….. and there it was, I cried with relief and just knew in my heart that everything would be ok and it was. On September 26th at 39 weeks we welcomed Jesse into the world and we could not be happier, we have 3 gorgeous happy healthy boys with us on earth and we have 5 angels whom we never got to meet… for my part I am happy that they were early losses that I never got to feel them move or meet them, I don’t think I would have the strength to go through a later loss or a still birth, but they don’t mean any less just because they were early losses, they were still my babies and I am still their mom, why they were taken from me I cannot answer, I know that we are given bumps and obstacles along our path in life, we are tested and often experience pain and loss that we don’t know or think we will overcome but we do, it is never easy and often we are left to carry scars for the remainder of our days, I know so many moms who have experienced various stages of loss and one thing I have found is that it is something that is very much brushed aside or swept under the rug as if it never happened everyone wants to share in the happiness of birth but no one want to help mourn and grieve in death, for the one or two ladies that do share their stories, you are amazing women, I know not everyone wants to share their story and that’s fine it is after all your story to keep and hold, but to the women who do share their stories you will probably never know what you do for others, sometimes you may feel like it is all for nothing but believe when I say that if you even touch one person with your story if even one person gains support and understanding from your story you have done something worthwhile and your hurt and anguish is not for nothing., you are not alone and you never will be!

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