Monday, 5 May 2014

Life has it's own plan

All through my childhood I had this vision of where my life would go what I do with my life and so forth, I wanted to study fashion, settle down and most of all start a family, have always wanted children I always wanted to be a mom, at least 4 I would say, a pigeon pair and then some.

As it happens life doesn’t always go as we plan, I fell pregnant going into college, determined to obtain my dream I carried on studying thankfully after everything blew over my parents were very supportive of this.

I was so excited already so in love with this perfect bundle I was going to bring into the world, nothing quite adds up to hearing that 1st heartbeat and seeing your baby for the 1st time and when I found out we were having a boy I was over the moon with joy, they say every woman longs for a daughter but I was elated to be having a son, I don’t know maybe it’s because I have never been a girly girl but I could not imagine having tea parties, playing with Barbie’s faffing over hair and such but I could imagine playing in the dirt with my boy.

When Loghan was born all 2.5kg of him the joy was simply indescribable I cried, he was tiny and perfect, I couldn’t imagine feeling for another human the way I felt for him, at that moment it was all him I couldn’t imagine having another baby the thought of another child ‘impeaching’ or sharing the love that I felt for him I just couldn’t imagine.

Just under 2 years later we got the news that we were expecting again, again I felt the excitement grow, after this time I had come to realise that there was room in my heart for another piece of perfection and after a loss the previous year I couldn’t wait to see that first heartbeat.

Naturally at this time everyone was saying it was time for a girl and I admit I did get excited, going out to buy all things frilly and pink, it felt odd to think of myself as a girls mommy and admittedly I kept all the tags and slips, why I am not sure maybe something in me already knew what I was carrying.
In any case a few weeks later I am lying in my doctor’s office and she says…. Can you see what it is and I said yes, my ex looked at me like what is it and I said a boy, I could see the disappointment I don’t think it is fair to rag on him about it, I know that he had envisioned a little daddy’s girl and I don’t think it helped that he had chosen a name or that we had some pink stuff lying around at home, it didn’t last long though and I for one walked out of the office a very happy woman, another boy yay me I was too scared to admit that having a girl actually scared the living daylights out of me.
A few months later we welcomed Gabriel into the world and again I cried tears of joy again I could not imagine anything more perfect than the two little miracles I had in my life.

My marriage failed, I dropped out of college and experienced more losses over the next 4 years but I found true happiness, a husband who is an amazing partner and father/ step father who laughs and cries with me every day, I didn’t get my career but I have my family, and last year I once again got to experience the joy of welcoming a little life into the world, at my 12 week appointment we were told by my doc that she was 98 % sure we were having a girl, again we got hyped up chose a name bought clothing again for some reason I kept all the tags on and then at 16weeks my gynea spotted something between the legs, this time I will admit that for a moment my heart sank, I was a bit taken a back, that moment was brief and by the time we walked out I was so excited again for this little life.

In September we welcomed Jesse into our lives and completed our family, I cannot answer for only having boys, we are given what we are meant to receive and clearly I was meant to raise 3 gorgeous healthy boys, I cannot explain the losses and the heartbreaks,I can say that it really is one hell of an adventure raising boys.

My eldest is sensitive, intellectual and cannot play alone very co-dependent but his nature is so loving, being diagnosed with ADHD and a chemical imbalance has been a real twist it has led to many days and weeks without sleep, worried about what will happen in the future is tomorrow going to be a good day, will he lose it like he sometimes does, I have learnt to take it one day at a time, he is an amazing child and I am so blessed to have him, as a big brother he is amazing and as an intellectual he is a force to be reckoned with sometimes his reasoning will have you doubting even the most factual information and he could sell ice to an eskimo if he needed to.

Gabriel is not as sensitive and is way more independent rough and tough he loves to get dirty, he will play in the rain and the mud he loves to catch bugs and snails, the opposite of his brother he is a real boy of note, this can be a bit of a problem considering he has an allergy or an intolerance to almost everything but it doesn’t stop him he just wants to have fun, and he I think is the most like me as I was in childhood and this is why we tend to clash when it comes to rules and boundaries, with him every day is a wonder of what will he do next where will he bump and fall, every day he comes home with a new array of scrapes and bumps and stories of adventure, I think as he grows older he is the one that is going to give us the most ‘trouble’ =)
Jesse is still growing into his personality but already he is so different from his brothers and I can’t wait to see what he will be like, he is always laughing always smiling such a joyful little monkey.

Raising boys is all I know, I know it’s an adventure a roller-coaster of ups and downs, bumps bruises, mud and bugs, arguments about frivolous and not so frivolous things and shopping that for the most part is quick and easy…. Although my eldest is starting to give me a run for my money.

I love my boys, I love that I have the privilege of raising them; of watching them grow of teaching them and picking them up when they fall.

I cannot imagine my life any differently, I cannot imagine myself with a girl or three in their place, I am so grateful for what I have been given with my life and my life has turned out better than I could have imagined with the blessings I have received, I simply cannot wait to spend each day with them, to watch them grow and learn and to learn from them.

Maybe my life didnt go exactly as I planned and I am sure that some people may look at my life and say eh thats not for them but I truely am so blessed, I have a roof over my head, a good job, a loving husband, and 3 gorgeous children what more could a person want. In my case I got everything I was hoping for just not in the way I thought I would but the God's have a great sense of humour and love to muddle our plans just to remind us that we are not always in control and I cannot be happier with what they have given me I will always be grateful for my blessing.

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