Bittersweet

Yesterday 3 women that I know welcomed 3 beautiful bundles of joy into the world, and while they were experiencing this joyous occasion I received some not so joyous news.

As far as childbearing and child birth is concerned I have had a fair amount of heart ache far outnumbered by the joy that my 3 boys have bought into my life.



Several miscarriages, roller coaster pregnancies, premature or emergency births that involved the nicu all worked up to the point where I decided that Jesse would be my last baby, it was not that I wouldn’t have loved to be pregnant again, the experience of welcoming a new little soul into the world is a high unlike any other and a cherished moment that stays with you through all your years to come, unfortunately economically and physically I did not feel that it would be good for my family to have another baby or go through another pregnancy.

Even Jesses birth as quick as it was, it was very traumatic which only made me more convinced that the decision I had chosen to make was the right one, and so while on the operating table and welcoming my precious bundle into I gave the definite yes on having my tubes done I gazed at Jesse and knew in my heart that he was the completion of our family in all his perfection he made us whole.

As it were I suffered terribly with other issues which resulted in another d and c as well as two other procedures in order to relive them, the two procedures meant that I would never be able to carry another child let alone fall pregnant whereas with the tubal ligation you can still reattach the tubes and go on to carry a child just fine.

As I look at the picture that stands on my desk of us 5 my family I can’t help but smile they really are just pure perfection and such blessings in my life.
Over the last month though this hasn’t stopped me from getting broody with all my friends bringing these new little ones into the world knowing that I will never again be able to do so has instilled a bout of doubt that comes at fleeting moments as to whether I made the right decision.

The answer yes I made the right decision, does it make it easier- at times no, but I made a decision based on what I felt was best for my families future and I know that as the years progress I will affirm this decision more and more.

In any case yesterday I went for a check-up with my amazing gynea and long story short after all that we went through I now have to go for a hysterectomy, to say that I was upset when I walked out of her office is an understatement I balled my eyes out all the way to work which is ridiculous considering that I cannot have any more children anyway, but I guess it was the 1st time everything hit me and hit me with full force the finality of everything I was stupidly heartbroken.

Today I still stand firm by my decision yes I am only 26, but I am a 26 year old mother of three twice married with a husband 6 years my senior, I have never wanted children past the age of 30 and I stand by that, I want to grow with my children I want to see and enjoy my grandchildren and I want to enjoy my older years.

I can do that now with 3 gorgeous monkeys to show for it, Ive had my turn and can now watch my boys grow into amazing men who if Im lucky will one day give me grandchildren to cherish love and spoil.