I just dont know anymore

I wasn’t going to write about this but I thought about it and why I started this blog and when I did, I wanted to include everything about my mothering journey the good the bad and the ugly and this week has been really ugly.

I have said before that before Loghan started on his medication he used to have really bad meltdowns which occurred on a daily if not almost daily basis, he would trash things, throw things, scream like he was possessed hit me, kick me push me it was really bad.

Then he started on his meds and things got better and although there have been bad days and times during our journey it had to gotten to the point of being more better than worse and it really felt like we had broken ground with moving forward.

Now of course we would never expect things to go perfectly, things happen as they have and there was a point this year where it felt like we were back to square one with regards to everything, I have never said this aloud before on this blog but in short a few years ago to add to everything Loghan was sexually molested and coerced by an much older child into preforming acts in a sexually inappropriate manner, this devastated not only Loghan but our entire family and it was something that we went into therapy for immediately, we were told after some therapy that he seemed fine and that although things may resurface at a later date for now they had done what they could.

Late last year and early this year Loghan regressed and acted out in an inappropriate manner with another child, now while we were told to expect this when it happened to him it was still incredibly difficult to deal with and to put it frankly no other parent is going to understand no matter how much you tell them that it was done to your child first and that he was a victim first and although it is unacceptable children cannot properly process what has happened to them so at some point they usually play it forward you cannot predict if or when this will happen and apart from constant therapy which we were told is not a sure thing to prevent anything there is nothing you can really do, we did everything we could we sought therapy immediately and went to more than one person to seek help, it still happened.

So now we were sitting at a point where we have a child with a behavioral/learning disorder who we have been told has intelligence beyond his years who has now been put through this as well, we have gone through to many crèches and doctors and therapists, psychologists ect to count, seriously like my ex said to me where else do we go what else do we do, but that all aside we were still not doing badly things have been getting better, and then Loghan got a new teacher which is no one’s fault and she is an amazing teacher, but any sort of change for Loghan throws him completely off and we basically have to start from scratch…. It was a long term last term and we honestly didn’t have high hopes for marks or anything we were just trying to encourage him as best we could and get through it, we did, his marks were actually really good and things seemed to be settling on the school front.

Now we get to this week… this hell of a week, this week has been nonstop fights at school, name calling, pushing people around walking out of class, hurting and teasing his brothers nonstop, we got to Friday and I swore to the high heavens that we were going to do nothing but stay at home and spend time together as a family.

Saturday Loghan literally teased and pushed his brothers around from the moment he got up on Saturday resulting in him having to spend the majority of the day in time out, then our tap broke late on Saturday afternoon and we realized we needed to go and get a replacement first thing Sunday morning.

We decided to all go out together it was a quick trip and everything seemed calm and ok… we were completely wrong.

When Loghan has a meltdown he goes from 0-100 in seconds and there is no reasoning g with him, no calming him down its bad…

We made it through the shop in good spirits, Gabe and Jesse were doing so well not a peep out of them everything seemed great so as I usually do when we were out and about if they have a good trip they are allowed to choose one small treat to eat at home, they did and we made our way to the till… and then the shit hit the fan.

Loghan would not listen so my hubby took his treat away and so the melt down started and chaos en sued, Loghan completely lost it on the floor screaming, so my hubby did as he was raised to do, he gave him a hiding, while this was going on I was trying to pay and get out as quick as possible but I saw hubby was getting more and more frustrated so I stupidly told him to go on to the car with the kids and I would calm Loghan down, which I did manage to do, I held him I hugged him I spoke gently and softly he relaxed and then as soon as I released my grip to walk out the store he bolted and grabbed the treat which my hubby had set down, and that was it complete chaos I tried to get it from him his screaming got louder, I started to panic and get frustrated… it was really really bad and all I could see was the poor cashier literally not knowing what to do and everyone looking at us like we had the worst spoiled brat ever and we must be terrible parents, he screamed he pushed me I cut my hands from trying to get the package from him, he then threw it and by this time I knew I had to pay for it, he thought he had gotten his way but when I told him again it wasn’t going to happen, it started again and I felt terrible because I literally had to throw money at the cashier and lost it with the till slip lady who took 2 minutes to tick off one thing on the slip, he was behaving like a wild animal, I have never ever experienced anything so bad with him…

We walked out and I was completely shattered I screamed at him in the moment which was completely wrong of me no matter what he did, we got to the car and he carried on lunging for this treat and my hubby lost it and then I lost it with hubby… I felt like I was completely out of my body, I have never spoken to my husband in the manner in which I did and it was uncalled for and not on at all, I apologized and we drove home in almost silence apart from Gabriel and Jesse who are so used to their brother that they carried on as if all was well in the world.

Loghan went up to his room where he literally sat staring into space as if nothing had happened when we got home… a complete Jekyll and Hyde moment.

Gabe and Jess spent the rest of the afternoon playing so nicely and there was Loghan up in his room, he came down to apologize he cried as he always does but how do you begin to explain the magnitude of what happened to a child who has the intelligence of a teen but the emotional comprehension of a small child, it just goes over his head he will apologize and it’s not that he isn’t sorry but he just thinks that once he has apologized everything is gone and away and we will go as if nothing happened.

When your child can literally flip a coin and go from this sweet amazing child you raised to someone you don’t recognize in seconds and then back to sweet again!

I spent the afternoon yesterday on the couch watching cupcake wars because I literally just didn’t know what to do what to think, I didn’t want to thing… what do you do when you are scared for your child…because I am.. I am scared there is something that we are missing and I’m scared as shit to find out what it is, we have been through so many doctors so much therapy sought so much advice and help and I just feel like as a mom I have failed terribly and I don’t know what to do or where else to go….

I have always believed that children choose their parents before birth but I am starting to question what Loghan was thinking because I just don't seem to be getting him the help that he needs.