I wasn’t going to write about
this but I thought about it and why I started this blog and when I did, I
wanted to include everything about my mothering journey the good the bad and
the ugly and this week has been really ugly.
I have said before that before
Loghan started on his medication he used to have really bad meltdowns which occurred
on a daily if not almost daily basis, he would trash things, throw things,
scream like he was possessed hit me, kick me push me it was really bad.
Then he started on his meds and
things got better and although there have been bad days and times during our
journey it had to gotten to the point of being more better than worse and it
really felt like we had broken ground with moving forward.
Now of course we would never
expect things to go perfectly, things happen as they have and there was a point
this year where it felt like we were back to square one with regards to
everything, I have never said this aloud before on this blog but in short a few
years ago to add to everything Loghan was sexually molested and coerced by an
much older child into preforming acts in a sexually inappropriate manner, this
devastated not only Loghan but our entire family and it was something that we
went into therapy for immediately, we were told after some therapy that he
seemed fine and that although things may resurface at a later date for now they
had done what they could.
Late last year and early this
year Loghan regressed and acted out in an inappropriate manner with another
child, now while we were told to expect this when it happened to him it was
still incredibly difficult to deal with and to put it frankly no other parent
is going to understand no matter how much you tell them that it was done to
your child first and that he was a victim first and although it is unacceptable
children cannot properly process what has happened to them so at some point
they usually play it forward you cannot predict if or when this will happen and
apart from constant therapy which we were told is not a sure thing to prevent
anything there is nothing you can really do, we did everything we could we
sought therapy immediately and went to more than one person to seek help, it
still happened.
So now we were sitting at a point
where we have a child with a behavioral/learning disorder who we have been
told has intelligence beyond his years who has now been put through this as
well, we have gone through to many crèches and doctors and therapists, psychologists ect to count, seriously like my ex said to me where else do we go
what else do we do, but that all aside we were still not doing badly things
have been getting better, and then Loghan got a new teacher which is no one’s fault
and she is an amazing teacher, but any sort of change for Loghan throws him completely
off and we basically have to start from scratch…. It was a long term last term
and we honestly didn’t have high hopes for marks or anything we were just
trying to encourage him as best we could and get through it, we did, his marks
were actually really good and things seemed to be settling on the school front.
Now we get to this week… this
hell of a week, this week has been nonstop fights at school, name calling,
pushing people around walking out of class, hurting and teasing his brothers nonstop,
we got to Friday and I swore to the high heavens that we were going to do
nothing but stay at home and spend time together as a family.
Saturday Loghan literally teased
and pushed his brothers around from the moment he got up on Saturday resulting
in him having to spend the majority of the day in time out, then our tap broke
late on Saturday afternoon and we realized we needed to go and get a
replacement first thing Sunday morning.
We decided to all go out together
it was a quick trip and everything seemed calm and ok… we were completely
wrong.
When Loghan has a meltdown he
goes from 0-100 in seconds and there is no reasoning g with him, no calming him
down its bad…
We made it through the shop in
good spirits, Gabe and Jesse were doing so well not a peep out of them
everything seemed great so as I usually do when we were out and about if they
have a good trip they are allowed to choose one small treat to eat at home,
they did and we made our way to the till… and then the shit hit the fan.
Loghan would not listen so my
hubby took his treat away and so the melt down started and chaos en sued,
Loghan completely lost it on the floor screaming, so my hubby did as he was
raised to do, he gave him a hiding, while this was going on I was trying to pay
and get out as quick as possible but I saw hubby was getting more and more
frustrated so I stupidly told him to go on to the car with the kids and I would
calm Loghan down, which I did manage to do, I held him I hugged him I spoke
gently and softly he relaxed and then as soon as I released my grip to walk out
the store he bolted and grabbed the treat which my hubby had set down, and that
was it complete chaos I tried to get it from him his screaming got louder, I
started to panic and get frustrated… it was really really bad and all I could
see was the poor cashier literally not knowing what to do and everyone looking
at us like we had the worst spoiled brat ever and we must be terrible parents,
he screamed he pushed me I cut my hands from trying to get the package from
him, he then threw it and by this time I knew I had to pay for it, he thought
he had gotten his way but when I told him again it wasn’t going to happen, it
started again and I felt terrible because I literally had to throw money at the
cashier and lost it with the till slip lady who took 2 minutes to tick off one
thing on the slip, he was behaving like a wild animal, I have never ever
experienced anything so bad with him…
We walked out and I was
completely shattered I screamed at him in the moment which was completely wrong
of me no matter what he did, we got to the car and he carried on lunging for
this treat and my hubby lost it and then I lost it with hubby… I felt like I
was completely out of my body, I have never spoken to my husband in the manner
in which I did and it was uncalled for and not on at all, I apologized and we
drove home in almost silence apart from Gabriel and Jesse who are so used to
their brother that they carried on as if all was well in the world.
Loghan went up to his room where
he literally sat staring into space as if nothing had happened when we got home…
a complete Jekyll and Hyde moment.
Gabe and Jess spent the rest of
the afternoon playing so nicely and there was Loghan up in his room, he came
down to apologize he cried as he always does but how do you begin to explain
the magnitude of what happened to a child who has the intelligence of a teen
but the emotional comprehension of a small child, it just goes over his head he
will apologize and it’s not that he isn’t sorry but he just thinks that once he
has apologized everything is gone and away and we will go as if nothing
happened.
When your child can literally
flip a coin and go from this sweet amazing child you raised to someone you don’t recognize in seconds and then back to sweet again!
I spent the afternoon yesterday
on the couch watching cupcake wars because I literally just didn’t know what to
do what to think, I didn’t want to thing… what do you do when you are scared
for your child…because I am.. I am scared there is something that we are
missing and I’m scared as shit to find out what it is, we have been through so
many doctors so much therapy sought so much advice and help and I just feel
like as a mom I have failed terribly and I don’t know what to do or where else
to go….
I have always believed that children choose their parents before birth but I am starting to question what Loghan was thinking because I just don't seem to be getting him the help that he needs.
I have always believed that children choose their parents before birth but I am starting to question what Loghan was thinking because I just don't seem to be getting him the help that he needs.
Oh my word. I am so sorry that you are going through this! All I can say is that I am thinking of you! xx
ReplyDeleteThanks hun I appreciate it, we will get through this its just tough sometimes when you overcome one hurdle and relax and another just comes along out of nowhere
DeleteHey! I am SO behind on reading your blog. This is such a heartbreaking post :( Parenting it SO hard. I struggled for so long with Kiara - still now, I don't feel like we connect, I don't "get" her and I also wonder how we were paired as mother and daughter!
ReplyDeleteYou guys WILL find your way, the fact that it upsets you and you have already done so much, means you will keep moving forward!
ALL the hugs and love!
Thank you I have always had such an incredible bond with Loghan and it kills me to think he is not talking to me or that there is something going on and we dont know but we will get there thank you for the support
DeleteOh gosh, this must be so hard to deal with. I have no history on his issues but will read back later but know some of us also struggles with issues. Our L is a huge challenge at the best of times. People who only have neuro typical children have no idea of the challenges we face.
ReplyDeleteI have raised such a child .... so much of what you describe was my reality when he was little. It is horrific and challenged every fibre of who you thought you were. For me the situationsecond have changed and my son to a certain extend ... but ... it never has been okay. I wish you enough, Wenchy
ReplyDeleteI have raised such a child .... so much of what you describe was my reality when he was little. It is horrific and challenged every fibre of who you thought you were. For me the situationsecond have changed and my son to a certain extend ... but ... it never has been okay. I wish you enough, Wenchy
ReplyDelete