Monday, 29 April 2019

A life vent

I had a moment this morning, I looked in the mirror and staring back was a 30 something year old mom, who looked pretty put together, make up done, a fresh dye job, nails perfectly shaped and glossed, an outfit that screamed I took more than 5 minutes to put this together... I looked at that person and thought who are you? 

Why? My life is pretty much a shit storm in a tea cup at present and I just feel so fake, pushing out this image of holding everything together when inside I am struggling to pace one foot in front of the next, you know 18 year old you the one who partied all night fell asleep with her make up on dragged her behind out of bed 15 minutes before her shift touched up her make up and downed a cuppa while grimacing at her reflection on the way out of the door... or the first weeks of first time motherhood when you haven't showered in what feels like days, you haven't seen the outside world and have forgotten what its like to make human contact, the babies crying you cant soothe him, you've changed him, burped him and fed him, the laundry's piling up and you just don't know which way to turn.... that's me on the inside right now.... a hot mess.

For weeks now I have come onto this platform and attempted to push out a post that oozed with enthusiasm and great advice and support but the truth is I cant even fake it till I make it right now and it just feels so wrong... to come on her and shell out advice when I feel like I am the last person who should be advising anyone on child rearing or even life for that matter.

The past few weeks, even months have rocked our world beyond comprehension and I find myself sailing through the day on auto pilot at the end of the day I cannot remember how I even got from point A to point B but I did. 

It can be incredibly hard to navigate the mental health of others when you feel like you cannot even keep atop of your own but you have to, being a parent means doing anything and everything you can even if it involves a full on team of therapists and specialists, medication and non conventional therapy methods because you just don't know what else to do.

I am so incredibly grateful for our support team, our family, the boys schools and everyone who has traveled our journey with us thus far but fudge it I am not going to sit here and say it has been or is easy because it isn't.

I am filled with such a longing for a peaceful life,  I am so incredibly tired and yet I know we have to push on but I am just so angry and despondent it is so much harder this time, my OCD  is something that affects me greatly it means that for the most part I need to be on top of things I need to feel like I am in control taking this into account the boys and their glorious chaos so to speak has really helped me with my ocd at times it can be incredibly difficult but after all is said and done it has helped me to take that step back and re-evaluate or in most cases just roll with the punches and deal with the OCD meltdown later, in many ways I have said it and will say it again my children have been and are my saving grace they have taught me so much and have brought in an understanding that I never would have found without them. 

But sitting here I am just so angry at the system that has failed our family and so many others I am angry that despite all the time and energy spent it has taken years and so many professionals to get us to a point where people are actually paying attention and that its taken so long to find a doctor who actually took the time to listen and read my child's file and picked up on something no one else had cared to look into, I am angry that doctors had not previously conveyed vital information to us, I am just angry.... when you look into the eyes of a professional and they cannot give you the answers argh, statistically speaking there should be a better understanding there should be more help available or help in general, special needs kids and special needs families should't have to feel alone without help and yet for all the information available so many still do.

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