Wednesday, 12 September 2018

World Suicide Prevention Day

This is a really difficult post… I feel embarrassed, I feel like a hypocrite I feel ashamed

I have always been incredibly open about my mental health struggles this platform is one where I have always aimed to share the good the bad and the downright ugly parts of my journey, on the levels of motherhood, marriage and internally, I have always encouraged people to reach out to know that today is enough, that you are enough that a step is enough even if it’s one step today tomorrow it may be two….

This time of year is always difficult for me in many ways, one of the most damaging for me is that it represents a time during which I experienced my final loss before Jesse was conceived, of all my losses this one was particularly traumatising and heart-breaking, I wanted that baby I longed for that baby with every fibre of my being this time he/she would stay but they didn’t and the blood… the pain it is something that imprinted on my soul, after Jesse was born and over the past 5 years since his birth it has been somewhat ‘’easier’’…this time also represents the month in which I lost my grandmother and my mom her mother it is a loss I still struggle with because I feel that I had no time or chance to form the relationship etc that I wanted with her, the woman in my family it seems have always struggled with their daughters and their mental health and how it has affected the raising of our children it has taking a long time and I am still working through my issues with my mother the hurt that we have both caused to each other and how it has affected our lives and relationships, I know that I can often be cold and emotionless and I attribute that in kind to the way I was raised, there is no excuse for it but it has heavily affected and impacted my relationships and my life, I tend to give all I have to give and then when I can’t anymore I simply stop end of the line I do not care to care anymore, I stop talking and I stop trying no more sorry to say fucks to give.

This year has not been easy but these past few weeks I have reached a dark point, one I hoped never to reach again, I have felt like a failure in every way, the struggles we are going through in our household particularly with Loghan… it has reached a point where my soul is tired, my body is tired… I have felt the changes- not sleeping yet not wanting to get out of bed and struggling to function, manic behaviour and not being the best mother I feel I could be, snapping at my kids and those I love most it’s not fair and I know it . Trying to smile every day to keep on because tomorrow will be better, tomorrow we will fight again but how much longer… how much more it feels like every minute of every day is a fight and a struggle.  I am not perfect in anyway there have been many points in my life where I know that I have not made the best decisions or done the best or been the best person I could have been, but I try to give all that I can to my children, to those whom I love and cherish and I will fight tooth and nail for any cause near and dear to my heart.

I look at my kids and think WHY??? Why did the universe see fit to make me your mother when I cannot even hold it together or make things right for them and their lives, why do I not have the answers or the solutions every day it’s something else as hard as I try.

I wanted to attend a suicide prevention day ‘function’ last week but I was too ashamed to sit there and admit that I am struggling and after an explosive talk with my hubby last night I realised that I need to talk it out I need to work through this I need to change or need a change… something’s gotta give because I can’t anymore.

So here I am taking that first step… my mind… my soul they are tired and I am struggling to find the rainbow at the end of this storm… if all I can do today is admit this then today that will just have to be enough…

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