thoughts on recovery

bod·y dys·mor·phic dis·or·der

noun

noun: body dysmorphic disorder; noun: BDD; plural noun: BDDs

1. a psychological disorder in which a person becomes obsessed with imaginary defects in their appearance.

   
   

   So I have been debating about whether or not I wanted to put this post out there as it is something that I do not like to talk about and find quite embarrassing to be quite honest.  However with the world being what it is and the amount of pressure that is placed on people and woman especially I know how important to me posts like this are in helping move forward or in being a voice for something that is often hidden or ignored. 

   
   

   For anyone who has followed me for a while at the age of 18 I was diagnosed with body dysmorphic disorder, I had been over weight for the most part of my life and then within the span of a year I had dropped half my body weight, as in gone from over 100kg to 53 kg, and I did this by under-eating and over gyming, to all extent and purposes I could have stopped at 60 kg I am just above that now and according to doctors I am now at the healthy weight for my body, however every time I looked at myself or gods forbid passed a mirror I wanted to scream, I felt ugly and huge I saw every line and imagined lump as a disgusting flaw, I saw fat where there wasn't I hated the way I felt and looked and the more I lost the more I hated myself the more ugly I felt until I looked like a lolly pop... I still felt fat and ugly... I look back on my matric dance photos now and I can see how underweight I was and yet I still remember putting on that dress and cursing myself for being so gross that I wasn't good enough to wear that dress.

   
   

   Over the years, having my sons and much therapy has helped me to move forward and recover, I gained all the weight back again over stages until after my 3rd son was born I decided to get fit and HEALTHY with the emphasis being on healthy, I again managed to lose almost half my body weight and for a long time I have felt great and happy within myself....

   
   

   Lately though, just lately I have found myself reaching for my comfy clothes, the clothes I wore when I was bigger, the clothes that hide my figure, the voice that I have kept quiet for so long has started creeping in and I have found myself looking in the mirror for imperfections, this morning I had to stop myself and remind myself how far I have come, that my stretch marks and body shape is due to the 3 amazing babies I carried into the world and some that I haven't, that I have worked hard to be who and where I am today.

   
   

   Its honestly as if you don't trust what you see in the mirror or as if you are going to wake up and be back to overweight and un- healthy, and ladies being bigger as I have said before does not mean unhealthy I am by no means fit, and my diet is not what it should be and I smoke so I would not say I am exactly healthy either so I am not shaming anyone for their body shape or size I have been through it all from one side of the spectrum to the other.
   
   My point is that the recovery process for any sort of body image disorder or addiction is long it is a life journey there are times where everything is awesome and you feel on top of the world and times when you don't and that's ok its all about the process and when its hard not giving up, knowing the triggers... the signs and saying NO... I wont go back there I don't want to be that person again, for whatever problem or addiction you face you are a person with value and worth and you will get through it!