Have you ever been at a point/place or time in your life where you get this overwhelming feeling or sense that things are never going to be the same again, that is how I feel right now.
Loghan had a very bad.... VERY bad meltdown at school this week it turned violent and led to him being suspended from school...again, I sat in the principles office for the hundredth time in a sort of limbo, a mixture of horror, worry and mental exhaustion.
I sat down with Loghan that evening, in all the years that we have traveled this journey we have never said to Loghan you are different or this is what is up that sets you apart from all the others kids... and so I took a deep breathe sat down on the bed looked him in the eye and spoke, I told him that I know he feels different and is different but that there is nothing wrong with being different, I told him that everyone has something that sets them apart some are afraid of it others embrace it and use it to their advantage and that he needs to learn to embrace his differences and use them to his advantage.
I told him how incredibly special and loved he is and we went through a list together of what makes him so speacial, we went through family and friends and things that make them different like my husbands long hair or my middle sons thumb sucking, things that may not seem normal to other people but there is nothing wrong with.
I hugged him tightly and told him we were going to work through this as a family and everything would be ok... but in all honesty I felt like I was lying, how can I tell him it will be ok when I don't even know?
We have another meeting on Monday with his doctors and the school, we will egt his results and hopefully a diagnosis, but the school is also at a pivotal point and I cannot disagree with them when your child has a meltdown and becomes a danger to themselves as well as the children around them.
I am questioning everything we have ever done, every doctor, every choice and I just have this feeling that on Monday our lives are going to change drastically and things will never be the same... this of course could be and hopefully will be a good thing.
It is also Jesse's birthday on Monday and I am feeling incredibly guilty, like I just cannot give it my full attention right now and that is so unfair, its just a royal shit storm right now excuse my french and I have to put on a smile and move forward and act like everything is ok when it really isnt and I feel like I am suffocating like our family is breaking down.
We are all just hanging in the air like an unspoken elephant in the room and even when we speak of what is going on or happening it feels like we are all far away.
I just really hope that on Monday we can move one step forward in the right direction... just one.