Monday, 4 July 2016

How I am feeling right now....

Can you have empty next syndrome without an empty nest….

Highly unlikely but this feeling that I have been experiencing over the last few weeks is something that I would have imagined I would feel after my babies have grown and left our home.

Loghan will be 9 in 3 weeks, 9 he is almost a preteen and it scares me… Gabriel will be 7 and Jesse 3 and it feels as if the childhood that has already passed has passed all to quickly and the innocence that you try so desperately to hang on to when you children are young is slowly starting to slip as things happen and they become more understanding and aware of what is going on in the world around them.

We think and hope that are children are safe and in capable hands wherever we trust to leave them and we try to shield them from the hurt and the pain the world encompasses but as my children are growing and with certain things that have unfortunately happened whilst I have trusted them to the supervision and care of others has shown me that we cannot keep it out forever as much as we hope and pray and try and it scares me, I find myself feeling guilt for those years past did I spend enough time with them have I shown them all my love have I done everything I can to prepare them for the years and world ahead.

Loghan has asked and will continue to ask things that quite frankly I don’t want to answer because it scares me and I find myself feeling anxious I find a needing nagging desire to keep them young and in my home forever which is why I liken it to empty next syndrome.  They won’t be leaving for many years to come but I already feel anxious as if it may come tomorrow.

I took Loghan out shopping yesterday and felt terrible when I said no to a sit down at spur because the thought of letting him run off to that play area even out of my sight for a second scared me and so I suggested an ice cream instead he was a bit upset he couldn’t hide it and I felt so guilty and stupid and then angry for having to feel this way because this world is crazy and people do crazy things it makes me want to hold down at home and never leave and then at the same time I feel angry because I have always been determined to raise freethinking independent kids but how can you do that without fear in a world so filled with anger and hate.

I know this post is sad and negative in so many ways but I just had to get out how  have been feeling, things have happened to people I know and love and their children over the last few weeks and I’m just sad…. I think of the first time I held my babies so innocent so perfected and untouched by the world surrounding them and the hope in that is what I cling to and what keeps me pushing forward.

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