Saturday, 4 April 2015

dark clouds and secluded spaces

In a really dark space right now struggling to sleep and yet so tired my head is fuzzy and fogged sort of like when you can feel a migraine coming on, my thoughts are just constant I cant seem to quieten them down I lie in bed thinking its constant and it is driving me literally up the wall.

I am so grateful for my family, my kids my husband but with a history of depression sometimes its just hard to keep positive to keep head above water, hard not to turn to old ways and habits, I just keep hoping and thinking trying to convince myself that it is going to get better just hold on something will come along keep trying keep fighting but I am exhausted mentally, physically and emotionally when you cannot frikken afford petrol to get to work when you have to ask your parents for electricity money... I feel like a failure a complete and utter-failure... I miss my boys I need their energy around me all 3 of them is what keeps me going what gives me the strength everyday... and even though I know they will back in another week not picking them up tomorrow is killing me right now... I just... I just want to crawl into bed and disappear....

I don't know when last I had the energy or the drive to draw to write... to design... maybe thats what I need to do, being with my family makes me so happy but sometimes I look at them and just think that I should be giving them more and they deserve more than what I have to give, this cloud is heavy..... everything is heavy.... holding on for the rainbow....

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