October is the worst month for me not only is it Breast Cancer Awareness Month but it is also the month in which Pregnancy Loss and Infant Death Awareness Day falls and I always get very down and seem to hide away until the month is over, so I apologize If I don't blog much this month.
My grandmother passed on the 22nd of October, this year will be the 3rd year since her passing from Cancer, my grandfather passed away from Cancer when I was 7 years old.
I watched a video by another mommy vlogger and in it she shared her story of the loss of her mother due to cancer when she was only 7 years old and towards the end of the vlog she spoke about how cancer is something that never really leaves you because even if you do not have cancer yourself if you have experienced the loss of someone through cancer you will always carry that loss and if it was family member especially you will always carry the fear of whether you may experience the same thing and as a mum that is incredibly scary for me.
My grandparents meant the world to me and there is not a day that goes by that I do not think of them.
I don't remember much about my grandfather except that me made me feel incredibly safe and I remember the day he passed very clearly because my mom had gone off to the hospital and she came home as I was listening to the song lemon tree lying on my stomach in the lounge and I remember she was crying and I was very confused, I remember coloring in a picture for my mom to put in his coffin which she never did I found it several years later in a file and it made me so sad, but he just made me feel so incredibly safe and I still often get the feeling of warmth that comes with a loving embrace and I instantly think of him.
I remember more of my grandmother, I remember she hated summer, that she was stern looking but incredibly soft with us, I remember her smell and I remember that I just loved to look at her because she was incredibly beautiful to me and every piece of jewelry she wore made me think of a princess, I inherited a few of her pieces after she passed and I wear them every day, they make me feel incredibly loved and safe... I remember the pain my mom and I went through when she passed and I remember seeing my step grandfather for the first time after she passed and thinking I never want to lose my soul mate I never want to go first because as much as we love him I don't think we could ever fill that void and it hurt I think more for him than us.
It never leaves you and as much as people say it gets better it gets easier it really doesn't it just gets easier to hide how you feel from others.
I just want to encourage people to please have empathy for those around you during this month, just because someone no longer talks about someone who has passed on it doesn't mean they are forgotten or that the pain is any less also just because a baby didn't live to go home it doesn't mean they are any less important or missed than a baby or child that did.
On a last note if you can do something to commemorate the life of a loved one who has passed or even help commemorate the loved one of someone else, do it- it can be as simple as going to clean up and place flowers at a grave site or having a night where you do something that you used to with the loved one who has passed, it really makes an incredible difference and helps keep the memories alive which in itself can be incredibly comforting.
To woman especially please I have done a post on this before, check yourself on a regular basis please it is so incredibly important, early detection can make the world of difference in getting the care that you would need even if it ends up as nothing if something doesn't feel right go and get checked.
I know I am rambling, I apologize but if I have reached anyone with what I am saying then I am happy, again I apologize if I don't post much this month its just the one month where I allow myself to be sad and remember those memories...