Ask a mommy any mom what breastfeeding is like and you may be hit with a host of answers, for some it it bliss so easy and some not so much, some mange for 2 years some for a month, some babies hang on to the boob and some are disinterested....
A short while ago I made the decision to wean Jesse from the boob, to free the boobs as my hubby terms it, little did I know what an intense roller coaster ride it would be.....
We started with day expressing that was easy, babies are easily distracted when they arent right by your side and have other kids around them to play with and keep busy, so that went off without a hitch and made me feel posiyive that we were both ready to go down this path. Night and weekend feeding however have been another story all together and I have found myself reaching a breaking point.
Don't get me wrong I love my time with Jesse, boob time is the only time he will just lie there and lovingly play with my hair whilst I sing to him or marvel at his perfection and I love that I have been able to give him this added extra that I was unfortunately unable to give his brothers, it has been a major achievement for me...
Unfortunately it is as if something has just gone tick in my brain and I just cannot handle it anymore this all came to a head on the weakened when Jesse bit down on the boob whilst drifting off to sleep, I am ashamed to admit I lost my temper and pulled him away saying no, no more booba in a very stern voice he of course startled and burst into tears and I felt terrible, but the truth is I have just reached my end and I am ready to get my body back, my body and brain is saying its time and he no longer needs it which he really doesn't it really is more of a comfort mechanism than anything else...
My mommy guilt and emotions however are damning me to shame and scolding me for this selfish decision.
I have spoken to a few other momies through this journey, some have shared the emotional turmoil that I have am experiencing otjers uggested stopping cold turkey which I will never do and one even had one suggest that I just suck it up and carry on because how much longer will he want to feed right?
The process is made even harder when your baby your gorgeous beautiful perfect baby starts crying and grabbing for the boob and all you want to do is give in but you know that you if you do you will regret it...
In my oppinion it is time, there may be some who dissagree and thats fine, I guess I just severly underestimated how difficult this would be the tears and frustration on both our parts....
This journey has been incredible, there have been many a tear but many more incredible moments and I am so thankful to have come this far I just wish it wasn't so hard and that my heart and head would pull in the same direction on this one....
To all the other moms out there going through this I know how heart sore and heartbreaking this process can be but please know that you are not alone and that for whatever reason you have chosen to start this process we will all get there in the end and we wont love our babies any less!
Ah Chastin - thinking very much of you.
ReplyDeleteThank you!
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