Friday, 11 September 2020

 So I have been radio silent for a while, I figured that with all that is going on in the world right now the last thing people need to see or hear about someone else's issues because quite frankly there are people dying, the world has just about lost its mind and so many people are hurting in more ways than one; financially, mentally, emotionally and physically 2020 for lack of a better word is just a complete f-up of note and all I want to do is curl up into a ball and cry.

So much has happened and I am just in a really bad space, I have an amazing support system; friends and family who love and support me beyond measure but becoming a burden upon them is quite frankly my biggest fear so I have tried, I really have; to put on the face, to find the light in the dark every day, but it has gotten to the point where I am really struggling to find that light, to pull myself up and out of the hole that is depression and worthlessness.

I have always  tried to be an advocate for mental health and awareness thereof, I encourage people to seek help, to reach out; I myself have an incredible psychologist and an aforementioned support system but it doesn't mean that every day or week or even month is a bed of roses and right now I just feel flat, dying from the inside out and I don't know how to pull myself through.

Our struggles with my eldest son in particular when it comes to his relationship with my husband and how that has affected our family life and quite frankly our marriage is devastating and my heart is so broken I don't think I can begin to repair the damage, the resentment and anger hangs in the air and it feels like no matter what I do it isn't going to provide a sustainable solution. I don't like who I am as a person right now, I don't like the decisions I have had to make or may need to make in the future or where I am in life right now, I just don't want to be here anymore, this space, this darkness, I so badly want to be the light that my children need, I want to be the loving and selfless wife and a good daughter and friend, I want to be a shoulder and support to those around me and it just doesn't feel like I am meeting any of those right now.

The pandemic has been the literal icing on the cake and I am sorry if this post is triggering to anyone or causes anyone distress it is not my intention to cause anyone discomfort or pain or to attempt to act like my issues are comparable to the pain or loss of what so many are going through at the moment.

It forms part of my personality and who I am to explain myself, I don't know what the solution is or where to from here and as a mom/family blogger I do feel like a failure and that I should be encouraging and uplifting my readers rather than offloading, from a personal perspective our family has more than one mental health professional involved so please do not see this as something that requires an intervention or emergency help etc, I just needed to explain I needed to express how I feel.

I just... I hope that everyone is keeping safe and healthy and that your family and loved ones are as well, I hope that if you have been affected by this lockdown period in any way that you will be able to see it through and come through the other side for the better, every single one of you is a light to someone just remember that.

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