Friday, 11 October 2019

World Mental Health Awareness, I am not coping.



This post should have gone up yesterday but to be honest I couldn’t string two words together yesterday… In the wake of world mental health awareness I am struggling right now, seriously struggling.

So many friends and loved ones have told me I am strong, to have people say that who love and care about you is an amazing thing but truth be told every time I hear those words a voice inside my head literally screams because I am not as strong as people would like to believe.

At the moment I am honestly dying inside I spend most of my day passing between a day dream is this my life kind of state and what the fuck am I going to do going forward state, it is never ending and I just wish that someone would tell me and us what to do because I am honestly at a point of second guessing everything all over again.

I feel so angry, hurt and confused- I have been doing this without meds, with the support of my tribe and a I can do this attitude or a I must do this attitude for so long and truth be told I just don’t know if I can put on a face do it anymore.

Suck it up Buttercup!

Just keep pushing

Tomorrow is another day

You are strong

Your children need you to do this

You don’t have time to rest

You don’t need a break and shouldn’t need one

You need to work, you cannot stay at home

You can’t take off for another appointment or leave work for one you will get fired

If you don’t fight who will

You’re fine you just need to smile, change your attitude

Every day all day from every angle- what next, where next- how can I be a good mother, wife and friend whilst still keeping my shit together and keeping my job.

You want to know how I cope?

I start painting our bedroom on a Sunday afternoon and spend the next few nights painting into the early hours, I clean our shower with a toothbrush (at 2am), I start re-grouting our tiles at 11 o clock on some rando Saturday morning, I cry when I watch anything remotely cute, sad or even happy and I laugh inappropriately, I drink wine and smoke too much, I snap at my kids and then cry because I did, I get out of bed at 10 pm because my mind won’t stop racing and start baking muffins because my kids love them, I flow between feeling like a shit mother because I won’t just quit my job and dedicate my entire existence to my children and my eldest sons education and well being and a shitty person for wanting to just walk away from it all.

In short… I am not coping right now; my anxiety is through the roof my OCD is taking over...

I feel everything and nothing at all and my heart is tired so is my soul and I just wish someone out there could give me the answers, I just wish someone could tell us we are making the right choices, taking the right path but that person doesn’t exist and it scares the hell out of me.

Today I just need to be sad, It’s not about anyone else, I have an amazing support system who has gone out of their way to help and be there for us and that support is something I cherish and value; tomorrow I may wake up with renewed optimism ready to go and face the world again, to fight and be strong but today, today I just need to be sad and angry, I just need to not be ok.

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