The last two weeks have been a crazy whirlwind of mixed emotions and decision making.
As I mentioned in my last post we have come to the point of having to make major decisions in our life and Loghan’s and I cannot begin to explain how emotionally draining it has been.
You would think that having so much information today at your fingertips is a good thing but sometimes it can just be downright confusing and overwhelming and last week I had a literal meltdown in the middle of the street outside my mom’s place when she got aggravated because Gabriel wouldn’t listen and ragged on me for dying my hair (I'm 29 not 15) and I lost my shit completely burst into tears and started storming out because I just needed someone to talk to and I cannot even get that right these days…
I think my hubby got wind of how things were going, we have been together long enough and he can see when my shut down levels are coming on and they were, I was just so overwhelmed and angry and emotionally exhausted, so many schools we cannot afford, so many options that just aren’t an option for us, pressure from the school, pressure from everyone… everyone always means well I understand that and for the most part advice is a wonderful thing but when everywhere you turn people are telling you don’t do that do this, or the doctor is wrong or you should do this and the problems will go away… even my ouma bless her heart turned to me and said he just needs attention lovie… yes ouma I will try and fit that extra ounce of attention in between all the other hours of constant attention Loghan needs whilst trying to balance work and life oh and the other 2 kiddos who also deserve that same love and attention but cannot always get it because you are constantly focused on one, it is not Loghan’s fault I understand why he needs the attention it can just be tough sometimes, we are also learning we also have to adapt our ways and change our mind-set it takes time.
However we seem to have found what I hope will be a good solution and step in the right direction and that is home schooling… well not home schooling as in HOME schooling Loghan will attend a tutor centre every day as he would school but it will be a bought curriculum and he will not have a uniform, homework etc, the centre also has children from one side of the spectrum to the other and even some children who are not special needs at all, there are a few children Loghan’s age and the groups are small which will mean individual attention, Loghan is of course over the moon, honestly I never realised to my shame as his mother how unhappy he was at his current school, again as I have said before his school is brilliant I am not bad mouthing it in any way but it is not a good fit for Loghan and I feel terrible that it has taken me so long to accept that.
I asked him how he feels at school currently he said he is tired of not fitting in or having friends, there are too many people around him and his brain gets all fuzzy and he cannot think, my heart broke as I sat in the car listening to him, I know he cannot go on like this, it isn’t fair and he deserves better.
I will say though that even though the papers are filled out and all is set I am struggling internally with the decision and I couldn’t quite understand why until I read another blog piece this morning, I think we are just brought up to believe that schooling should be uniforms and schedules and that schools should look a certain way and be a certain way that we struggle to think of home schooling or tutoring as proper schooling, I am getting my mind around it though and I am excited for Loghan to start this journey, I am truly crossing fingers and all hopes that this is the right decision, he will start in the new year which means we have one more term to get through.