Baby Steps

I purchased my first car just after Loghan was born so I was 19 and a few weeks later due to sleep deprivation and stupidity I fell asleep at the wheel and went into the back of a truck… yes my little fiat + back of truck, I woke up with a literal bang and shock and horror as I realised I had hit something, I blocked out the fact that I had fallen asleep though for a few years afterwards. 

Anyhoo so since them I have had a very great anxiety when it comes to driving, it’s not an issue if I am driving to work or in my area but as soon as I have to drive somewhere unfamiliar or along a highway or road that has more than 2 lanes I pretty much hyperventilate and want to cry and curl up into the fetal position on the floor. This as you can imaging has greatly affected my life since we have to adapt every route to go around any sort of highway even if it means extending the trip to double the time and if I have to drive somewhere unfamiliar someone has to drive either for me or with me which is a problem  since my hubby cannot drive, there has also been many times he has had to change his schedule or to take leave to go somewhere with me which I know is irrational and I know it’s probably stupid to many people but I just can’t, I have horrid nightmares and envision getting into an accident or getting lost and not being able to get home etc.

This has become even more of a problem as Loghan has to go for monthly appointments at the only hospital we can attend which is in the southern suburbs this involves high ways and 4 lane traffic, off ramps etc etc…..

Up until now I have worked my way around it had my hubby with or had my ex drive us but yesterday I was left to do it on my own and I was dying inside, I decided my best bet was to leave early take it slow and use the gps on my phone… simple right, that is until we got into the car and realised my phone was on 15% you can imagine what happened my phone was of course dead within 10 minutes and I was forced to face my fear and get there one way or another on my own… and I did.

I stinking did, I arrived there in one piece, my heart was pounding I almost got sick but I did it and we made it safe and sound, we also got back safe and sound even though I was practically in tears by the time we did but I did and it may seem stupid but I’m really proud of myself , I knew Loghan needed to get there so I put my big girl panties on and I did it, small steps are steps none the less and I realized that this is a real problem I need to tackle and that I am pooling my anxiety over onto my kids when they see how upset and anxious I can get… so we will keep on working through it but for now I am pretty chuffed.