This is an incredibly raw and emotional post...I'm sitting here listening to music feeling so alone whilst hubby's flight was delayed and he is away another day, it seems incredibly stupid but its not just one thing its everything that has happened, feeling this down lead me to this post and something I have been holding inside for so long.....
I want to share this because I know so many people go through this alone and shouldn't have to, I have admitted to going through and living with depression and having a body image disorder in my teens, this in itself was incredibly difficult to speak about, at that stage and into my early twenties looking in the mirror made me physically sick, I hated my body I hated who I was I was dying inside and instead of talking about it instead of seeking out the help I needed I chose to keep to myself and take it out on my body through self injury both physical and emotionally...
Years later I still have the scars to many to count most not viable to the every day person but to hide your addiction successfully from those around you its best to create scars not visible to imposing eyes... I call it an addiction because like an eating disorder it is exactly what it is, it consumes you its something that at a point you just cant go a day without or a minute without thinking about it... its still something I struggle with every day I'm not going to lie, like stepping on a scale its there ready to rear up at you whenever you feel low and alone, a coping mechanism which no one can quite understand unless they have been through it themselves...
Over the last few years I have found other ways to cope, I fell in love with my husband and the self harm and scars hurt him more than they ever hurt me to the point where I learnt to push it to the back of my mind as far as possible and move forward coping in other ways, its always there though, every time I step in front of the mirror,,,,
I know I am not alone in the fight to stay ahead of their demons, I know his is a rather low post for a mommy blogger but honestly I feel like there are so many woman out there who are struggling or have struggled with the same things and I just want you to know that you are not alone... to keep fighting to keep ahead and focus on everything you have to be grateful for in your lives.... my kids... my husband they are the reason that every time I feel low I have the strength to pick up again and press forward... it isn't easy and I know for most people it is rather difficult to understand why someone would want to harm themselves but let me put it to you this way more often or not it is easier to harm yourself than see your loved ones in pain because of your pain... that is as best as I can explain...
I never want my children to know that pain or to do this themselves it hurts when I think they may ask about the more visible scars one day, if they ever do I hope to best explain to them that people choose to cope in different ways and that it is important to always express your feelings and openly communicate with those you love, as hard as it is as much as you want to hide your pain and protect them or feel they may not understand, I don't think anyone can fully understand unless they have been in that space however I understand that you cannot expect them to at least attempt to understand your feelings if you don't let them try.
Whether you suffer with depression, pnd, bpd, an eating disorder, self injury.... please remember you are not alone and there is always some one... ALWAYS; who loves you and cares as hard as that is to see sometimes and there is ALWAYS something to fight for....and there is always someone who understands...
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