Saturday, 16 January 2016

Can you mourn what never existed

I have spoken to many woman over the years who have expressed that they mourned the loss of a gender when they didn't receive it, not that they loved their children any less but that for a long period they had either picture a certain gender in their minds, named that child envisioned their features or personality traits or that they had a certain inclination when they fell pregnant towards feeling that they were carrying a certain gender and then it turned out to be the opposite.

That once they had found out that they were carrying  the opposite of what they had felt or envisioned they had mourned for the child even though that child in essence didn't exist.

My hubby and I went through this albeit a bit differently in my pregnancy with Jesse, quite honestly he was the only baby I carried to term who I felt may be a girl because I was sick every day... every single day whereas with my other 2 I was sick once and that was that.

At 12 weeks we went to my wonderful gynea and after I got up on the scan table she asked whether we would like to see if we could see babies parts, we of course said yes and she started the scan.

Jesse refused to cooperate his legs were shut tight, she rubbed my tummy, poked and prodded and eventually asked if we would like her to do an internal scan which she then did, then it happened baby literally opened legs for a few seconds and she snapped a picture.

I am 90 percent sure its a girl she said with a smile, she even showed us the 3 lines and we left quite excited because well it was a new adventure.

We told our family who were overjoyed at the prospect of a girl in the family, we searched through names and ordered various amounts of pink items, we grew attached to the picture of this little girl we were going to have, and then at our next scan when I hopped up on the table and she waved the wand over my belly, my doctor remarked, oooo I see something....

I looked at her and was like are you serious she said yes with another smile, I looked at hubby who was still quite confused and said; Its a boy love.

I admit I felt shocked having gotten used to this picture in our heads I felt like I had lost a child seriously it felt like I had miscarried albeit emotionally and not physically.

By the time we left the doctors room we were both happy and at piece with what had happened and very excited for our baby boy, but I cannot say there are not times when I don't think about what happened, strange isn't it I wouldn't change anything for the world but I still feel like I mourned for that child a child that at the end of the day was merely a picture in our heads.


  1. Replies
    1. Thank you, it was a very strange thing to experience because I have never felt like a girl mommy I have always been so incredibly happy to have all boys and never felt a need to have a girl but when this happened it was a shock to my system

  2. I can relate. I was also told at my 12 week scan it was a girl and then at the next it was a boy. It's more an anger at the doctors for misleading me. But that doesn't bother me as much as mourning the sibling for my son I will never have. But I am grateful to have him.