So after a chat from a friend going through a hard time earlier, I have been mused into writing a piece on break ups, heartache and love
Please note that this is not a piece to dam all men cause there are some dam awesome men out there including on my part my husband I also have 3 boys so I have seen the good and the bad of the opposite sex, and men also go through their fair share of heartache.
As young girls I think we all develop a picture in our minds of what love should be, this romantic bubble that includes our knight in shining Armour whisking us off our feet into a picture perfect life with 2, 5 kids and a white picket fence to go with it, I remember personally that I couldn’t wait to grow up fall in love and have children which I did but the ride along the way has been far from a fairy tale.
I was raised somewhat sheltered, my parents are still together and they didn’t do the whole birds and bees thing with me, I didn’t have many close friends and I had a pretty rough social side of a childhood so when I hit high school and found my independence it was amazing, this independence met with meeting boys having my heart broken and breaking hearts as well, the sting of your 1st and subsequent heartaches never quite leave you and I think it heavily influences you future relationships sometimes to their detriment, trust is something that never quite reinvents itself I think there is always a part of you that will doubt no matter how much you love the person when someone leaves you it leaves you to wonder what went wrong what did you do what you could of done I think it is in a person’s nature to doubt themselves especially a woman when often you were not the cause at all it was a problem within their selves that they projected- not always the case of course but very often. (this excludes those psycho relationships when it very clearly is the person and not the relationship)
Towards the end of my high school career I met the man who I thought was my soul mate someone I envisioned being with into my old age someone I wanted to settle down with….. WTF right what does a 17 year old know, I was pretty determined, we were best friends as well as partners, it was a crazy ride, we were never apart and I was so in love and lust.
Then I fell pregnant…. Irk crash went the fairy tale….
I was ready to grow up he wasn’t, I think the main problem with most relationships that fail is that usually there is one half that doesn’t want to grow or grows apart from the other person, the lines of communication close this leads to many arguments words get harsh and we say things we don’t always mean but that will stay with us forever, I am not saying this goes for all woman but in general I think woman are more likely to adapt to their partner’s needs, to grow and change for or with them often losing themselves in the midst while men expect the change from their partner, they don’t communicate well and often don’t see the signs their partner displays until it is too late and then when it is they want to turn around and change things they promise the world and swear by heaven and earth to change but in my case that didn’t happen, and I think for me the day I knew was over was the day I stopped trying when I realised things were not going to change it hurt like hell but you cannot force something to work it takes the dedication of both partners otherwise you will often find the one person falls out of love from trying.
The other thing I found through this is that many people seem to be in love with the idea of love this story in their head something to tell everyone about and be admired when in actual fact they don’t want what a relationship comes with.
In any case tears and heartbreak aside we got married and it was beautiful but it didn’t last, I distinctly remember my mom in law saying to me that you cannot expect someone to change, I think that bull everyone changes it doesn’t mean you need to change who you are as a whole but it does mean that you need to compromise and give back instead of just taking
In any case it was over and looking at us both now I believe it was the best thing we have both moved on and are happier apart than we were together and I have 2 gorgeous boys from that ram shamble so in the end it was worth it and I got to fall head over heels for my husband who brings such joy to my life, he is an amazing man who lifts me up every day whom I fall in love with over and over every day, we have our moments but we talk them out and we work through it together, I think part of the secret to happy relationship is keeping that flame alive, remembering why you chose that person in the first place and concentrating on the good things (even when angry) and not the things we dislike- like for instance my husband drives me insane when he neglects to let me know that he is running late, he also takes forever to get ready and always makes us late, I drive him insane with my OCD seems small but it is often the small things that build up to a bomb explosion, secondly there is not one day even when angry that I don’t look at him and go dam you are amazing and I am lucky to have you, 3rd not a day goes by without me saying so and 4th I always say goodbye on a good note, we always work through an argument to the point where we can walk away knowing that if something happened he would know I love him and vice versa.
I have seen so many good friends go through heartbreak only to come out on the other side all the better for it they think they will never find that someone special but they do and when they do it is amazing and they realise why it never worked before.
my point is that falling in love having our hearts broken it is all a part of life, some are lucky they find that one special person right off the bat and they live happily ever after, although then again how do you know it is perfect if you have never had a fault to compare it to but for the majority of the population this is unlikely to happen and we all have to kiss a few frogs before finding our perfect prince.
So if you are currently going through a break up I will share with you my break up process for shits and giggles….
First I go through the omg what did I do wrong stage, I lock myself in my room with chocolate and junk food and soppy love songs by meatloaf, muse and anything else I can find at the time, I cry myself silly throw things scream, willing the universe to change the events that have transpired and make them go away.
Then the hurt turns to anger and the music becomes more aggressive (music is often how I express emotion) I tell myself that I am better off and I’m gonna go to gym (LOL), enjoy live and be awesome, I’m gonna prove how wrong the person is and bla bla bla
Then comes the realisation that what will be must be everything happens for a reason, we don’t know what the future hold for us or the people that come into our lives but every one of those people whether intentional or not will leave a mark or impression of themselves and will help mould us as people into the future.
Its ok to angry and sad when you have your heart broken IT IS OK, cry, scream, swear drink yourself into oblivion and then when it’s all over pick yourself up and move forward knowing that you are an amazing person and this will not keep it down but only make you better and you will find someone who cherishes every day that you are present in their lives.
My boys are growing up fast, I hope one day they will find that special someone and when they do they will treat them like a queen or king whichever way they choose to go that they will cherish every moment with that person and make sure they know it, that I will be there to pick them up when they experience their first heartbreak and that it only makes them stronger and more determined to meet the person they deserve.