A change of heart

For the longest time I have been an unashamed and very vocal Xmas scrooge, I am not Christian and even though many of the traditions that are linked with Xmas i.e. the Xmas tree are inherently pagan in origin the extreme consumerism and sheer chaos that comes with the influx of tourists and the amount of people and noise and lights I just become a miserable mess and would much prefer to hibernate the entire season through.

However on Saturday as I sat at my brothers place drinking coffee I gazed across at their Xmas tree decked out in all its finery and I was overcome with internal emotions, especially with Loghan not being home and that he won’t be home for Xmas it hit me that I was perhaps doing my children a disservice by robbing them of the magic that so many children experience at Xmas time. How can my children enjoy putting up a Xmas tree for example when I moan and see putting it up as a chore and when I literally take it down on the 26^th. It just hit me that I only have so many years left to set out traditions that they can carry through with them onto their own future children, I only have so much time to make these experiences and memories and I have already wasted away so many opportunities.

With that I turned to my mother who usually buys my hubby and I an appliance or something household related for our house every year and asked if she would consider buying us a tree for our gift this year seeing as the one we have was tiny and I actually couldn’t remember where I had thrown it, she looked at me rather skeptically but she agreed and after we left my brothers place we went off to choose a tree and some decorations that included a llama, a unicorn, a kitty cat and lots of bells because if I am going to put up a tree I am going to make sure it is the most US tree that I can possibly muster.

We put it up over the weekend and I have to say it’s actually really nice to walk into our home and see this beautiful tree it just feels well... festive I suppose, it just feels a bit more like home.

Not having Loghan home is so incredibly hard, I know we are doing what is best for him but it is so incredibly strange to not have to be on the go or on the alert all the time, to not be able to see my own child every day or to even phone him whenever I want to to even take him luxuries or treats, I just have to trust that at the end of the day we are getting him the help he needs and that it will allow him to have the future that I know he can have.

All of my kids passed so I officially have a grade 1, grade 5 and grade 7 going into 2020 which is as scary as it is exciting, we are not too sure what direction we will be going in for Loghan next year we need to see how the program pans out and what his team recommends for him at the end of the 10 weeks next year, quite honestly given the upheaval of the last 6 months, the fact that we couldn't physically school him except for a few hours over weekends so he mainly had to self study and the fact that he had to complete 3rd term assessments in the evenings whilst completing 4th term work and still preparing for 4th term exams, I was surprised that he passed the year, even though his marks weren't the high end ranges that I am used to I think that he made it through a lot, our family made it through a lot and I am incredibly proud of all 3 of my children!

My leave starts on Friday afternoon so I am looking forward to baking cookies and making home decorations with the boys next week, I also have plans to repaint and fix up a few things that have become neglected in the house this past year which is helluva exciting for me although once I get into it I am sure there are going to be a fair amount of choice words that shall escape from my mouth but for now I remain filled with enthusiasm =)