Being a mother for me can sometimes feel so surreal, I mean growing up all I wanted was a family and children of my own, I had it all planned out in my head and yet some days I look over at my kids and think to myself is this real, how did I even get here... I mean I know how I got here but how did I help create 3 such amazing beings, how is it that a heart can love so immeasurably, to feel such joy and at the same time sorrow to want to cherish every milestone and yet to experience so much excitement at the thought of what they may one day achieve.
My mom and I always had a turbulent relationship; up until my 30th birthday I would say that our relationship was more down than up, there were a lot of things we hadn't worked through, things that I felt were better off kept to myself which resulted in issues because my mom could not understand why I had made certain decisions and choices in my life that veered off her envisioned plan for my life- I was meant to finish school go to college find a partner who would look after me and after I had achieved a good start to my career to then think about having children.... I wasn't meant to fall pregnant at 18 and then drop out of college at 20 whilst pregnant with my second son, I wasn't meant to rush through a wedding only to land up with a divorce but that is what happened and it took a lot for me to reach the point where I finally opened up about things and once my mom finally understood... well in her own way why some of my choices and life decisions were made we could finally start down the path of recovering our relationship and I have to say that over a year later our relationship has never been this strong.
I look back on the pain and the tears and I don't want that for my boys but honestly I can understand in many ways now that I didn't before having children that we as parents can only do the best we can with what we have, there is no handbook, no right or wrong way and I can only hope that one day my children will understand that whilst I may not always make perfect decisions or choices everything I do every path I take is chosen and taken with their best interests at heart.
Yesterday I awoke to hugs and kisses and a small breakfast in bed, my brother took my mom and I out for brunch and when we got back, J and I packed the boys into the car and headed to the beach; no cellphones nothing, just a few towels and swimming costumes and it was just lovely, to climb the rocks and smell the air to watch the boys fish and explore- to just be in the moment when I feel so much of our lives is just one big rush governed by technology,which has its place of course but still, I haven't felt so relaxed and happy to just be with my kids for a while and I missed it so much, being in that moment, cherishing that memory, we didn't even snap a photo but it meant more to me than anything and I am so incredibly grateful for my family and the fact that we can all be together when so many moms out there have lost, so many moms do not always have fair access or visitation... dads as well of course...but it breaks my heart and I am just so grateful to have what we have.
I hope that each and every mom out there had a wonderful day yesterday and to the single moms and dads I take my hat off to each and every one of you, to the moms who have lost my heart aches for your loss and for those who were not able to share their day with their children my heart is with you.
Being a parent is wonderful and yet so incredibly difficult, but I am so grateful for the blessings that we hold within our arms and in our hearts.