* Be warned that this post
includes what may be to some TMI, I have tried to be as lady like and cautious
in most respects surrounding womanly things but if it’s not for you I suggest
you skip this one.
I have ALWAYS loved babies and
children ALWAYS, no lies I always envisioned myself as a mother, even as a
small child I would gush over every baby that I came across, I would hold them,
coo at them the works so it was a given that I could not wait to become a mother
in my own right one day.
Then I fell pregnant at the age
of 18 and welcomed Loghan with open arms and heart at the age of 19.
My mother always said that before
she had children of her own she loved children and other peoples children just
as I did but that when she had children of her own she lost her whim and
patience, she even remarked that once she became a mother she realised that she
was not made for motherhood, which seems drastic and harsh but over time I have
come to agree with her, and it’s not that she is anything less than an awesome
mother who has given everything she can for us however I think that mentally
and emotionally motherhood took a toll on her and changed her in ways that she weren’t
exactly for the better.
When I met Jaco I knew that he
wanted another baby even though he said that he was ok with whatever I decided,
and I knew in my heart that I wanted another baby and that this time I was
going into a pregnancy with all the love and support I had ever hoped for, and
after our losses when I saw the words pregnant flash across that digital screen I
was elated but scared as hell, I wasn’t just scared about whether the pregnancy
would actually last I was scared about how things would change in our family
dynamic, Loghan’s issues were becoming more prominent and difficult to deal with
and adding an emotionally at times unstable pregnant mom into the mix, it was a bit touch and go
there for us, but we made it through and again we welcomed another bundle into
our family with open arms, and on the day he was born I felt complete, I felt
that my family was as it should be whole and perfect.
I had already requested a tubal
ligation earlier in my pregnancy, I think deep down I knew that mentally,
physically and emotionally I couldn’t go down the road of pregnancy again and I
already felt that we were done that Jesse would complete us.
My doctor still joked during my c
section though and asked if I was sure but from the moment I heard his cry I
knew we were done.
 |
| Our family complete! |
Years of pregnancy and losses had
also changed my system for the worse I had gone from a brief monthly visit of 3
days max and light with no pain etc to visits that lasted weeks were incredibly
painful and heavy (blood bath heavy) and emotionally it was just like Jekyll
and Hyde, I was tired of struggling through contraceptives that made me gain
weight and sent me on emotional roller coasters and I thought that a tubal would
not only solve the contraceptive issue but would also help the other issues I
was experiencing…
I was so wrong, it only worsened
the issues and at a few months post birth I went to my doctor looking for a
solution, she suggested a novasure procedure to burn my uterine lining with
some sort of fan device (looked like it came out of a sci fi movie) she said
that she had great success in all her patients and that I was a perfect
candidate given that I did not want any more children and my issues were what
the procedure was targeted at alleviating etc, I was elated and scheduled the
procedure then and there.
I underwent the procedure and it
failed, it was then that my doctor told me I had a tilted uterus which made so
much sense considering when I had gone into labour in pregnancies the labour
would never progress in the way of dilation ie my children’s head were not able
to press down and open the cervix because of the angle/positioning.
So she suggested we go in again
this time manually scraping the lining (with what looked like a fancy soup
ladle) but again it failed but considering she was able to scrape most of it
away she said it would more than likely be fine…
It wasn’t, and within months my
time of the month which was no longer there would leave me agony, I couldn’t walk,
my tummy would swell and I would appear to be 6 months pregnant, I had
migraines on a daily basis and I was a terrible person to be around at this
stage because I was constantly miserable and in pain, it was terrible.
Another appointment and a scan
later my doctor could see that my uterus had fused shut after the novasure and
subsequent procedure and everything was pooling there (nice) creating the pain
and bloating, the only options were chronic meds for life or a hysterectomy, I
chose the latter.
A week after Jesse’s first
birthday I went in for the surgery.
Within the next days, weeks and
months so many of my health issues fell away, I felt a huge shift emotionally,
the weight that I had struggled with for many years fell away pretty much on
its own and no more painful monthly visits, even my skin issues cleared up. I
felt like I was on cloud 9!
Then around the year mark I felt
another shift, I was only 28 after all and I begin to feel the tug of my
internal clock (even without a uterus), I started to question whether I had
made the right decision, for a while I felt somewhat lost like I had lost a
huge part of my womanhood, which if you google it is completely normal for many
woman post a hysterectomy even if it is something they wanted, even though I
knew logically I had made the best choice for my mental and physical health and
for my family, I still felt a bit jaded because the decision to have a
hysterectomy was not originally what I wanted; I wanted a tubal which could
have been reversed or attempted should I have ever wanted to go in that
direction even though at the time I didn’t feel that way, I guess I just felt
like I was forced into a decision which of course is ridiculous, my doctor is
amazing and every decision made was one made with forethought, she gave me all
the information she could, answered all my questions it is not her fault that I
am just a medical f- up and everything that could go wrong did.
So here we sit at 3 years post…
how do I feel now?
Well I have to say my ideals and
attitudes have shifted drastically, I still love babies and children but not in
the same way as I did, I no longer rush along to every baby I see and I no
longer feel even a whimper of an urge to ever have another baby.
I know now that mentally and
emotionally if I had decided to have another baby it would have been a bad
decision, I love my children so incredibly much but I understand what my mom
meant about wanting to be a mother but not being made for motherhood, as
someone who struggles with depression and ocd there are days when I freak out,
scream, have meltdowns that I know are not fair on my family and often I feel
like a terrible mother, my mother has many of the same struggles and I have so
many memories of them and I’m sure that besides genetics they heavily
influenced my own issues carrying on through my teens into adulthood.
So yes I am happy and confident
in the decision that was made, mentally, physically and emotionally it was the
right thing to do.
 |
| 3 years later |
I highly encourage any woman
looking at this option to do your research and make sure that it is a decision
made for the right reasons and with surety, but also that you prepare yourself
for the wave of at times very confusing emotions that come post-surgery, our
bodies are incredible and complex and the whole ticking biological clock is
real I don’t care what anyone says its real and it hits you so its best to prepare
for it.
RESEARCH is incredibly important
I am not trying to scare anyone but always look at the pros and cons of any
procedure or surgery you undergo, research the issues, they may or may not
happen to you but if they do you will go in prepared to deal with them, I liken
it to birth my suggestion is always go into it prepared for both a natural and
c section should you only want natural because you never know what could happen
and it has been proving that going in prepared makes a big difference to
healing time as well as a moms emotional state post birth, so go in prepared
from both sides and do what is best for you and your body and family never feel
pressured always ask questions, a good doctor will never make you feel stupid
or like you are wasting their time, a good doctor will always ensure that you
are happy with a decision and that any suggestions are made in the best
interest of your health and well being.
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