I remember so clearly last year when it was confirmed by Loghans doctors that he presented as a high functioning spectrum child, the relief I felt inside me knowing that what I felt and the answer we had been searching for was finally there, I cannot even explain, I had known for so long that Loghan was different, it didn’t change a bit of how I felt towards him of course but having a definitive diagnosis helped so much, maybe not so much in the way that people can see his diagnosis because he obviously presents as a fairly neuro typical child only when over whelmed etc does he start to display symptoms and behaviours that either make people think he is being difficult or that he may be special needs.
However the diagnosis helped so much in or approach with him, choosing the right school etc etc.
Recently Gabriel had to undergo an eeg in hospital, he has been displaying symptoms of what the doctor believed to be petite mal seizures for the last year and we needed to get to the bottom of it, his behavior in class as a result of these episodes has left him frustrated and unable to complete his work properly if at all, so before we decided on an appropriate path/course of action we wanted to rule out any medical concerns.
His previous school did have him assessed and they came up with the old adhd diagnosis. Now of course Loghan has adhd as well as high function autism ie aspergers, however I do feel that adhd and add are just the go to diagnosis these days, I do not feel that forcing a child to sit still for 2 hours gives an indication or clear diagnosis in fact it made me incredibly angry because what child can sit still for 2 hours and completely focused, no wonder there are so many ‘problem’ kids today.
Argh… breathe, anyway so I did not accept that diagnosis and neither did anyone else we know, personally I have always felt that he has a sensory processing disorder, he rocks, he screeches and displays baby like behaviour when uncomfortable or upset, he sucks his thumb and loves to hang onto and touch silky fabrics and soft toys, he is very sensitive to sound, texture and taste, his motor skills are behind… these are all symptoms of autism, so when the doctor who suggested the eeg as well as others started mentioning that they feel the same I thought ok well let us just rule out any health issues first and take it from there, we have waded through this storm before we can do it again we just need to find out what makes Gabriel tick like we did with Loghan and learn to work around it or aid in alleviating the discomfort he experiences, I got hold of some new homeopathic meds, he is still on homeopathic meds for anxiety as well and for the most part I feel like they are making a difference but only time will tell.
So fast forward to the eeg, we got the results the next day and my heart sank for a second, the results were clear which is great and I should have been ecstatic… I was however it only reiterated what I felt beforehand that Gabriel is also more than likely on the spectrum, I’ve felt it in my gut for so long and yet it felt like I had been kicked and then I felt so incredibly guilty for feeling this way and not relieved as I did with Loghan.
For the past week I have struggled with why I felt that why, why it took me longer to accept or process the aha moment than it did with Loghan, Gabriel is just such a different child in comparison and I know shock horror you should never compare your children… I guess it is just the feeling of what if the homeopathic meds don’t help, or what are/aren’t we doing that we should/shouldn’t be doing.
Loghan’s journey has been a long one, full or trial and error and in many respects we made decisions rashly or we did things that I know wish we didn’t what if we hadn’t tried the meds what if we had just chosen a different school, all the what ifs I know they don’t help and that we should be better prepared because of our mistakes but I think as a parent it is just a nagging concern that is hard to get rid of.
I love my kids so much Their quirks are a part of them and make them who they are and I love them for it, I guess I’m just scared of making a mess up or the wrong decisions, I know that we have always done our best to research and get second opinions etc, we have always done our best to work with all the information we can find and are given to make the right decision, but sometimes as in previous schools and situations you are forced to make quick decisions to accommodate the schools, teachers other children etc, a school can say yes we are there for you etc but oh if you don’t give us improvement in a week we are not interested, its difficult guys not only for us making the decisions but for the kids who have to go through the pressure and the feelings of being inadequate or a bad child which is so far from the truth.
I know we can do this I know that we will do everything to help Gabriel achieve the best he can and be the best that he can, I know we are raising him to be understanding, loving and kind, we will encourage him every step of the way and show him how being different is an incredible gift that he can use to his advantage as we have done with Loghan.
I guess sometimes I just feel that I could take away the frustration and the heartache that comes along with the journey and only have him experience the love and joy that he brings into our lives.