life lately, contemplations and doubt

I know I have been somewhat lax with my blog lately, it hasn’t been intentional, I have attempted a post many times of the last few weeks but have just ended up scraping it a few lines in.

It’s been a really emotional and turbulent time for me as a mom and us as a family, I wouldn’t say I have been depressed, but I have been contemplating a lot of things and my mind has been overly occupied with doubt and questioning.

As a mom you always want what is best for your kids and you always hope that you have made the best decisions and choices in life for them, this can be somewhat disheartening when everything you try seems to hit a brick wall and when you are made to feel like a crappy parent who is just not giving it your all.

Last week we had our meeting with Loghan’s doctor, his father chose to change the visitation arrangements again now that they have moved… now before this starts a whole big spiel I will make it clear that according to our parental agreement the kids are supposed to live alternatively between the two houses, when Loghan experienced issues last year it was decided that he would come stay with me full time and then Gabriel followed suite a short while later, now their father decided he wanted to go back to the way it way, and whilst I wholehearted disagree and feel that this was the wrong decision as far as the courts are concerned unless I am willing to drag this back into court and ruin the relationship as joint parents my ex and I have finally established I must just deal with it, having been through this in court previously I know the system and I know that if the father wants to see his children and care for them equally they will not go against it and thus I am not willing to go 10 steps backwards for what would probably be a fruitless endeavour, at Loghans appointment I felt like the doctors frowned and disagreed with this decision even though they said they understood, but anyone who went through my 4 years of divorce with me knows that going down that road again is simply not an option, it was incredibly ugly and my ex and I could not co parent at all, our kids suffered and I will not put them through that again.

So the last few weeks have been difficult, Loghan has shown clear signs of anxiety and has been acting up at school badly and Gabriel who was supposed to be moving over to a cottage school for the new term will now be joining Loghan at the tutor centre instead due to unforeseen circumstances.

This originally threw everything for a loop and we almost thought he would have to stick it out at his current school for the remainder of the year but thankfully Loghan’s school has found a new and bigger premises and can therefore accommodate him and the boys will be properly separated which means we will not have to worry about them causing issue with each other during school time… so that at least was sorted out within a few days, however those few days were chaotic and emotional, Gabriel was so looking forward to go where he was going and was extremely disappointed when we had to tell him he could no longer go there.

Then we received Gabriel’s assessment back from the department and what do you know according to them Gabriel is hyperactive and in need of medication… this after both his teacher and aftercare teacher who is a qualified psychologist and everyone else including us says he is not hyperactive, for monkeys sake he falls asleep in class, and she came to this conclusion because he struggled to complete the test which took place over the course of 2 hours, when Gabriel asked the woman if he could take a break he was told no, which I think is just ridiculous how many kids can focus for 2 hours strait.

In any case it only refuted what we were saying originally and made us even more sure of our decision to remove him from the school, we will see how he goes in the new school and if they have issues there we will then take him to see a specialist and take it from there, add maybe but hyperactive not a chance I’m sorry, and unfortunately given this diagnosis if were to stay at the school we would have no other choice but to medicate in order to keep the school happy and it just isn’t going to work, Gabriel is not coping his marks are reflecting this issue and we just feel we need to make this change now and see how it goes.

So  it was a turbulent time and we ended up seeing Loghan’s doctor last week like I said and she basically scolded me telling me we should have kept taking him to the psychologist and we mustn’t wait for something to go wrong, which upset me because it was discussed with the psychologist and she had no problem with us waiting until after he had settled in to make the next appointment, we were also told that we needed to learn to handle his issues on our own at our last visit so it was somewhat confusing, a lot of things came up during our visit and we will be seeing the psychologist again in the new month…

I was also told that we need to socialise Loghan more that school/aftercare is not enough he needs to partake in sports or activities, which is difficult as most of these things take place in the early afternoons and we work full time and most of them are pretty costly, Loghan is also not a sporty child at all, but I have been looking and I have found 2 options I think will work, it’s frustrating as a parent, I know growing up I only really had one good friend and kept to myself preferring books and music to people… I still do and I don’t think I turned out to badly socially, I also do not want to force Loghan to do things he is uncomfortable with but I understand completely why he needs to learn to socialise properly and appropriately, we have tried so many things in the past but Loghan has just ended up not going to not enjoying it and asking to leave, but you tell this to a doctor and they look at you like you are just not trying hard enough, its simple you know just organise a shuttle for an extra grand a month and hope they can handle a meltdown etc if something should happen and then hope that everything goes well and after spending a small fortune on equipment etc your child does not decided they don’t like it 2 months in, which I’m sure is an issue for many parents.

I just feel like sometimes you can do nothing right and that sometimes no matter how hard you try things still go wrong and you question every decision and every choice as a parent, I feel like I vent on here so often and I hate it, I have always wanted this to be a place or space to share what I am feeling but I have also wanted it to be a positive platform and sometimes I just feel like its not going the way I would like or had hoped.

I’ve been going for a lot of walks lately, especially on the beach even after supper sometimes with the kids, I have become more relaxed around bedtimes and such, I’m trying to focus more on the emotional wellbeing of my family than the firm and structured no nonsense routine, which is something I have had to get used to as routine and structure is my safe space and without it I feel lost and anxious… when my kids are at their dad I feel completely out of wack and lose function.. I promise you I just miss them so much and I am completely lost without them I feel like I need to over occupy my time without them, so as I said long walks of contemplation, I know it’s my issue to deal with and a storm we will have to weather through until things settle down, I know my own issues of anxiety and depression are issues I need to work through and work above in order to keep my family happy, the kids are happier when the environment is structured but less rigid and so is my hubby, we have also firmly attempted and succeeded in becoming more social as a family and I think this is helping as well.

I can only hope that everything we are doing or are going to do is going to help and that things will settle again soon.  Parenting is no joke guys.