mom struggles

I know I've been a bit quiet I would like to say its purely because I have nothing interesting to say or because the holidays have been insane which they have been, happy holidays to everyone by the way, I hope all your kiddos had a blast and that everyone spent the time with those they love most.

But no it hasn't been about that, the truth is I've been struggling guys really struggling, we now have the boys full time and I love it I really do, but at the same time it has been an adjustment its like jumping from having 1 child to 3, before we had the kids every second week and now we have them full time, mentally, physically and financially it has been an adjustment and I guess it has just made me feel like an absolute failure as a mom because I found myself wishing I could go back to work because I am exhausted...

I was having coffee at my mom's a few days ago and was speaking to her well venting more like it and in the same breath as I don't know hoe you do it, she said well you wanted them full time so what are you complaining about... it really hurt, its not that I don't want them full time of course I do I have been fighting for this for years, but don't I also have the right to feel tired and need a break... apparently not... apparently that makes me a pretty shitty mom and I feel terrible...

I feel terrible that I actually enjoy working and like my job, that I need social interaction with adults everyday and a break away from home... I feel guilty for saying that I could never be a sahm...and for wanting to sit on the couch and watch a movie instead of playing pokemon or a nerf battle because I am tired.

I have always wanted to be a mom anyone who knows me will tell you that so why do I feel like this path was given to the wrong person, I have always believed that our children are souls who find their way into our arms for a reason, someone remarked to me this week that if there is a god why are babies given to neglectful or abusive parents who do not want them and my response was that it is not the higher power involved that chooses or makes the choices on the journey a person is given but the person themself, I wanted my kiddos so badly all 3 of them and I so badly want to be everything they need I want to be the pinterest mom who plays with them all day and makes beautifully crafted lunches, the mom who can take my kids to various extra murals and go to every game , the mom who knows the answer to everything... I so badly want to be that mom, but I'm not... I'm just a regular mom trying her best, giving her all and I can only hope that it is enough.