Over the course of maybe the last month I have realized just how fast kids grow and how over night they can go from being very codependent to independent before you even have a chance to realize it has happened or been in the process of happening.
I drop the kids at school every month and it wasn't until this morning that I realized that it has gotten to the point with Loghan where he no longer lingers around until I have given him a thousand kisses or loves, he no longer clings to me or wants me to walk him to class instead I get a quick goodbye mommy before he glances around to check who is around before giving me a goodbye peck on the cheek he then runs for the hills as fast as his legs can carry him, I also see his cheeks flush scarlet when I call out bye Logi bear or I love you baby unlike before... its sad and this morning I spent a few minutes in my car thinking wow when did this happen, when did my baby boy grow up when did I become that mom... lol who am I kidding I suppose I have always been that mom, the mom who lingers, the mom who loves the extra cuddle and the sweet goodbyes, I was always told to cherish them because these moments are gone before you blink... I just didn't realize it would be so soon, do I let them go or do I carry on as if I do not notice do I continue to hang on and call him by his nickname even though it embarrasses him just because I cannot bare to see it go, he is still so young, Gabriel still clings to me for dear life every morning he still waves to me a million times before I turn the corner he still tells me he is going to miss me and how much he loves me and I love that but its hard to let go I think especially with your eldest, essentially Loghan will always be my baby.
I think about my childhood and my parents and how I used to run away from them and get embarressed and shove them away, being a parent can be so incredibly heartbreaking sometimes, I know in Loghans case especially independence is a good thing in relation to his anxiety especially him choosing to function independently is a great milestone... it doesnt mean I am not proud because I am, my mommy heart just longs to keep hold for as long as possible and I dont think that will ever change.
And so with this I make a formal apology to you my child because I will try to hold on for as long as possible, I will try not to embarrass you although I'm sure I inevitably still will, I will try to encourage this independence even though my heart screams otherwise and I will try to remind and encourage my pride within you everyday, I may slip up, you may hear you nickname from across the playground, I may hold on for an extra love every now and then but I will try me best to allow you to grow and fly