Tuesday, 18 November 2014
motherhood, what I didnt prepare for
Yesterday someone asked me whether motherhood was everything I expected it to be....
To that question I answer yes and now, in some ways it is very much what I expected and in a lot of ways it is way more than I expected- I knew I wanted to be a mom from a very young age, I knew it wouldn't be easy but I still got lost in this picturesque fantasy of the white picket fence with a darling husband, 2 1/2 kids and such.
what I did not expect or prepare for....
I really did not expect it to be as hard as it is some days, I did not prepare the days where I just feel lost and alone- the days I feel like I could do better or need to do better for my children.
I did not expect my children to inherit the traits of mine and their fathers that so irritated the hell out of our parents whilst we were growing up.
The days that they hate me for taking away something the like for bad behavior, the days they hate me for not giving them that sweet or toy they so badly have to have.
I did not prepare myself for ADHD or a chemical imbalance, for allergies, colic, croup and reflux, for days when I put salt in my coffee or laundry in the fridge because I was so tired or for days at work where someone goes whats that in your hair and you cringe as you run your fingers through it only to discover baby sick, porridge or some sort of sticky mess you are pretty sure wasn't there when you checked yourself upon leaving the house that morning.
I did not prepare myself for the hurt and sadness I would feel when my kids get hurt or are sad for the times I want to beat the daylights of a little shit bully at school or run to the school guns a blazing in defense of something my child did or did not do.
These are things no one ever told me, no one ever explained to me, everyone is always so quick to point out the obvious but I think they are often to scared to admit the other things, scared to be judged by other woman- mothers and even single woman who don't have kids of their own but love to tell you how to raise yours.
Then there are the things I didn't prepare for but have exceeded my expectations of motherhood beyond my wildest hopes.
The day you first see those two pink lines or the plus sign- you are scared and yet so excited
the 1st scan and 1st time you hear babies heartbeat- you sigh with relief
the 1st kick- its a snap into reality that you actually have a little human growing inside of you
the 1st day of the third trimester.... almost there.... not... it takes longer then the 1st 2 trimesters
when you arrive at the hospital to give birth and realize things will never be the same again, it will never be just the 2 of you again or 3 or such
the 1st time you see your baby, hear your baby, touch your baby and realize they are yours
the 1st nappy change, holy moly!!!
the 1st smile, even if its just a wind its a smile to you
the 1st time the curl into you or hold their arms out to you
the 1st time they ask for you, and not dada or nana or anyone else
their 1st day away from you- who knew it would be so hard
their 1st steps, they grow up to fast
their first friend and when they learn to share
the first time they say mommy its ok I can do this on my own- gut wrenching
when the reach for you in joy and sadness, because only you can make it better
when they look at you and say mommy I love you- heart melting
when they are sad and the only person they want is you
when they achieve something for the 1st time and every time after that, such pride
I never ever thought I could love anyone or anything as much as I do my children, the love that filled me the first time I laid eyes on them was just in-explainable, I never thought I would learn so much from tiny souls who could not even fend for themselves and I am still in awe everyday from what my kids teach me and show me on a daily basis- they make me smile, laugh and cry but every moment is worth it.
I could go on and on, these moments make everything so worth while.
No parenthood is not what I expected but that's ok I wouldn't change it for anything, even on days like today when all I want to do is pour the biggest glass of wine ever and get lost in a bubble bath for the rest of the day because I just cant deal, its still worth it each and every minute of the day I am so proud to be a mom