Thursday, 19 June 2014

Thoughts after Silence

So I haven’t written anything in a while I must say it has become a sort of elephant in the room for me I know I should and every so often I try to write something but lately everything has just heaped in on itself and my mind has just been to full to even grab a thought or two out of it.

Being a mom of three doesn’t help sometimes I am too busy for anything but a cup of coffee which combined with some happy pills and calming agents is the only way I can seem to stay sane lately and let’s just say it all just came to a head yesterday and I had a mini emotional breakdown.

A lot of people and friends have called me a super mom they say they don’t know how I do it and yesterday was one of those days when I just couldn’t when I just wanted to curl up in a ball and run away throw a tantrum or two have a drink or two and just forget everything for a few hours…. Ah what bliss but not possible, being a mom I don’t get to shut down or shut off there is no me time or time away and 99 percent of the time its great I love my kids I have always wanted children and I couldn’t be more blessed but there comes a time every now and then when I just want to run and hide, I feel like I am failing my children in some or other way and I get low really low, I have suffered from depression pretty much for the better part of most of my life since my mid-teens and for the most part have been able to keep it under wraps since I started dating my husband who pretty much turned to me the one day and said enough I love you and won’t let you do this to yourself anymore, he and my boys are my lifeline to sanity at my darkest hours and I am so grateful to the Gods for the blessings they have given me.

In retrospect everyone I suppose has down days, weeks months or even years. Some of us cope better with it than others, yesterday was a bad day for me with the last month or so just balling up into an emotional pile of shit I couldn’t avoid any longer and I ended up with a glass of whiskey on the couch crying my eyes out hoping to just disappear I took a bath placed my head until the water just so I could block out the world for just a few minutes…. What sweet bliss to hear nothing: no cats meowing for food or rat running amok in its cage, no cars screeching up and down the road or neighbours passing in and out- slamming their doors, no children arguing and fighting…. Just sweet silence.

After 5 minutes of this I felt so much better and then I thought oh my Goddess I am a crappy person and mom to want this to need this how could I, what right do I have to feel this way after all the blessings I have received, Q my voice of reason that says it is ok to feel like this it is ok to want some time away to gather your thoughts and sanity, I was left quite conflicted.

I don’t think I am a supermom I am just a mom. A mom trying to do what is best for my kids and sometimes that means taking 5 minutes of sanity sometimes that means putting on a smile even when I am angry frustrated or sad, to stand proud and to stand up when my kids need me even if they are in the wrong they still need support, children are such amazing beings they put things in perspective and see more than we think and I saw this on the weekend I was cleaning… as usual the curse of being a mom of boys is I can start cleaning at one end of our home and by the time I reach the other I will have to start all over, sticky fingers on the walls, stinky shoes and socks, an over flowing laundry basket are all things I am constantly cleaning up after and sometimes I can get very frustrated in any case on Sat my eldest turned to me and said “mommy, can’t you just leave the cleaning for 5 minutes, come sit and rest”, oh such wise words from such a young soul, I should probably take heed of what those young mouths whisper more often but it is tough as I often say who else is going to do if I don’t do it when will get done.

I was bought up with an ocd mother and am ocd myself although not nearly as bad so I simply cannot leave things be, it makes it difficult for my family and people around me I simply cannot let the cleaning be everything must be in place and it drives me insane when I cannot do it, I understand how maddening it can be for my husband and children and it is something I am working on.

Being a mom has been and is such a learning curve and experience for me I have a different relationship with all 3 of my boys and have learnt to handle them differently, I always wanted to be a young mom, but being a mom at the age of 19 was something I didn’t plan for and it has been an adventure and journey every step of the way, I thought I was so grown up until I had my kids, now I know they are what made me mature it wasn’t an overnight thing they still teach me more with every year that passes

When I first saw that positive pregnancy sign I was so naïve so unaware of the journey I was embarking on, of course I knew the semantics 1+1= 2, but never could I imagine the love I would feel the bond and amazing feeling of growing that love that life inside of me to feel like I had never felt before so much pride and joy, mixed with worry and anguish every bump and fall my heart would skip a beat every mile stone my heart would burst with love.

Of course then came the colic, the lactose intolerance amongst other things, I knew Loghan was different not in a bad day at all it was just his mannerisms the way he did or didn’t do things he was unlike other children I had cared for and it scared me to death, it still scares me the unknown, waking up every morning not knowing what to expect hoping for a good day, no phone calls from the teacher and at the same time hoping my son doesn’t come home in tears because he is teased over his condition or because he is different, its heart-breaking and frustrating, every day I tell Loghan you are amazing you are my star don’t let anyone put you down or tell you otherwise you are special even more so with your adhd and chemical imbalance. He thinks so differently to most children and like I had said before his IQ is higher than most adults but it makes it more difficult because emotionally he is on a lower level, I equate it to living with a teenager the intelligence of an emerging adult mixed with a rollercoaster of the emotions and tantrums of a child.

Living with and bringing up Loghan is an amazing journey, he is the most precious and loving child with the stubbornness and fury of a raging bull intertwined he goes from 0 to 100 in less than a second, we laugh we cry sometimes both at the same time, he is my most candid child and I can be brutally honest with him I can tell when I am angry sad or happy and why, it makes for a very interesting mother and son relationship and I think out of my 3 he is the most intertwined with me in spirit.

Gabriel came at a time in my life where I was very unhappy, confused losing myself in the trawls of adulthood, not knowing where I was going basically newly married and yet in an already failing marriage, studying my passion and yet hating it working a crappy job to make ends meet, it was not a good space to be in… and yet out of that there he came a beautiful miracle not planned but wanted, I thought in my heart that he would fix everything my marriage my life… he did just not in the way I would have expected, he is my dreamer my child lost in a fantasy dream land of ponies and rainbows, a temper from hell to go with it but full of such naïve innocence, I think he has been my most difficult to bond with, I love him as much as his brothers but because he came after a terrible pregnancy and at the end of a failed marriage it was difficult for me emotionally and I am sorry for that, I am sorry that it is only now that he will come and curl up with me just to say I love you mommy, to run up to me with sheer happiness for a hug because he missed me, I feel like I have missed so much from him and I hope to make it up to him.

Jesse was born of such love he came at a time when I couldn’t have been happier, he was planned and hoped for, it was however like starting all over again I had gotten so used to my sleep and doing things my way with 2 older monkeys, now at 8 months I still get up 5-6 times a night to feed Jess, I never bf for this long before, I was also able to make more informed and better choices with Jess on my own without outside interference, I ebf until 6 months, then started him on only organic veg and later organic fruit, I didn’t have anyone telling me how to raise him or what I could or should do it has been a wonderfully enlightening journey so far…. Can’t wait to sleep a full night again but that aside it is wonderful.

My family is unconventional, we are a little weird and very funky, we are far from normal but I love the fact that we are different, I think the best part about being a family is learning from each other, never in my dreams could I have thought to be so blessed, things happen life doesn’t always go as we plan but it is all with reason, there is no use blaming something or someone for things that have happened, Loghan has special needs it is not his or anybody else’s fault and it only makes him more special, these challenges are not given to us for nothing or without reason they make us better people and parents. We can only do our best to raise our children to be mindful respectful and non-judgmental, I often laugh because I think or hope that I am not judgmental, I try to be as mindful as possible of other beliefs, cultures, races, lifestyles etc. I have more gay friends than strait and my list of friends and family covers the span of most book and non-book religions as well as different cultures and beliefs, I try in every way possible to raise my boys to be the same, to accept that everyone is beautiful because of their differences not in spite of them, it is not easy Loghan for instance attends a Christian school and on more than one occasion has said people who don’t believe will go to hell which is shocking, the other day he also told me quite bluntly that boys cannot marry boys and he persisted in arguing with me when I told him this was not true he has many uncles and aunts married to the same gender and that there is nothing wrong with it, it is very hurtful to me I can only explain and hope that the boys will understand and carry my words with them to ignore others who tell them to be judgmental and to make up their own minds.

I think I have done enough bantering for one day, hopefully this piece with be one in many over the next few days or weeks, count your blessings everyday be mindful and respectful of those around you even if you don’t like it suck it up and smile it is not your life or your choice to make.

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